You're Not Alone

You're not alone for I am here

Let me wipe away every fear

I've never left your side

I have seen you through the darkest night

lyrics by Meredith Andrews

Photo: Confetti (snow) from Heaven to celebrate Jesus' Birthday on Christmas Night.

Praise God!!! Chris did finally passed something through his intestines and was able to hold down food. On Tuesday, December 21, 2010, we were able to leave the hospital. It was so good to be back at home and the kids were thrilled to see him. Even though Ian was happy to see Chris, you could tell he was mad at his daddy for "leaving" him. He was definitely giving him the cold shoulder for most of the day. When Chris was still in the hospital, I had taken the kids up to the hospital for about twenty minutes one day to see him. Ian probably thought Chris was in a hotel like in China instead of coming home to see him. I could also relate because I had felt like God was on vacation when Chris was put in the hospital when we just got back from China.

Later that day, Chris was sitting in the living room and Ian walked by and threw something at him. He was not playing around. I would tell Ian "no" and put him in time out for two minutes in his crib. As soon as Ian was out, he would pick up another toy or book and throw it at Chris. He would always pick up something heavy and it always landed on Chris' stomach. The process repeated itself until Chris finally spanked his hand. Chris barely touch him but Ian's heart broke in two. He fell to the ground and wailed. I knew that he was crying because he didn't understand why Chris had left him for so long and he was hurt. While Ian was still crying, Chris put his arms around him and kissed him. Ian looked up at him and stopped crying. At that moment, Ian knew that his daddy still loved him. I only wished Ian could have known how hard Chris has pushed himself to get home to them. It also made me realize how hard my heavenly Father had worked this past week to make me see that He was there the whole time, had never left my side and that He loved me. "The LORD Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged" (Deuteronomy 31:8).

The Joy of the Lord

The joy of the Lord will be my strength

He will uphold me all of my days

I am surrounded by mercy and grace

The joy of the Lord is my strength

lyrics by Twilia Paris

Photo: Our family celebrating Jesus' Birthday.

Chris did make it through the entire hour and half gallbladder test laying flat on his back without any pain medicine and without throwing up. The test revealed what Chris has been saying the entire year. Chris' gallbladder was functioning only at one percent. Dr. Winger decided to remove his gallbladder and do a laparoscopic surgery to find out what was causing the blockage because he didn't think that the two had anything to do with the other. The next morning, Friday, December 17, 2010, the day of surgery, Chris' mom came to the hospital along with Susan Rine, my mom's best friend. Susan kept us laughing the whole time so it seemed like time flew by. She also told me that on her way to the hospital, she reminded God that He cared for the birds of the air and so how much more He cared for Chris. As she was driving, she asked God to show her a bird as she was looking in the trees along the side of the road. All of a sudden, a very plain, uncolorful bird flew directly in front of her windshield. She knew that it was God confirming to her that if He cared for a bird that the world would not notice, how much more would He care for Chris.

When Dr. Winger finally came out of surgery, the first thing he said was that Chris was okay and I was so thankful. He also said that when they first opened Chris up that their hearts dropped because they thought he had cancer but found no masses or cancer. Dr. Winger showed us a photo of the blocked area and it, literally, looked like someone had skinned that section of his intestines because it was so red and raw looking. Chris' mom had to explain everything later to me because I didn't hear anything after Dr. Winger said that Chris would probably have to stay in the hospital for five to six days. It felt like a punch to the gut. I couldn't believe that we had just gotten back from China after spending eighteen days away from our kids and now we were going to have to stay in the hospital for almost a week. I wanted to break down right there in the floor but didn't only by the grace of God. Dr. Winger had also mentioned that because the intestines were so inflamed that he had also nicked Chris' intestines causing a small hole. They decided to clamp that area to stitch later, continue with the surgery and make a five inch incision near his belly button in order to take care of the blockage. Later, we learned that bile had leak into his body because of the small hole. Praise God that the nick happened near Chris' stomach rather than the colon where there is not as much bacteria. Dr. Winger also told us that Chris would not be able to have anything by mouth, not even ice, until his intestines started working properly again. I learned that anytime you have surgery or trauma to your intestines, your intestines becomes paralyzed and, after time, they will slowly start moving and functioning again. In other words, until Chris passed anything through his intestines, he would not be allowed to have anything by mouth and we would not be able to go home. I knew how close it was to Christmas and I could not even imagine spending more than six days in the hospital. Before Dr. Winger left, he told us that Chris would have a tube up his nose, going down his throat and into his stomach to drain anything that was left into his intestines for at least two days.

After we kept waiting to see Chris, they finally told us to go to Chris' room in the hospital and they would bring him to us. Chris' surgery was at 10:00 a.m., they were done at 12:30 p.m. but he didn't make it to his room until almost 5:00 p.m. I would later find out that he had tachycardia (150 BPM) from the anesthesia. When they finally brought Chris up to me, I was not prepared for how he looked with the tube coming out of his nose. I was surprised that I was able to hold back the tears. The only thing Chris kept complaining about was how dry his throat was and how the tube hurt his throat. We didn't have the heart to tell him that he would have to have it in for two days which I knew would seem like two weeks. About an hour later, to our surprise, the nurse came in and said that Dr. Winger was having her remove the tube going down his throat. I couldn't believe it and busted out crying. Later, Dr. Winger told us that he was able to see the x-rays done after surgery at home (x-rays are computerized now). He said that he saw that the tube was curled at the bottom of his stomach and that it was not working properly so he decided to have it removed. What a wonderful doctor! God is so good!

During our stay, Chris was not able to have any water by mouth. He was allowed to dip small sponges attached to straws into water and place them in his mouth but he could not swallow the water. It was really torture to watch this go on for almost 4 days. He also was not able to sleep because of them constantly checking his vital signs as well as giving him antibiotics around the clock. I would stay with Chris through the day then go home at dinner time to put the kids to bed. Some nights, I would tell my mom I was going to take a thirty minute nap and I would lay in the floor of our bedroom. I knew better than to fall asleep on my bed because I would never wake up. God allowed me to have these little naps so I could think clearly to do payroll for our business one night and also to be able to drive back to hospital without falling asleep. One night before I left to go back to hospital, I read an email from a close friend that she felt like God had given her the verse, "The joy of the Lord is my strength", over and over again concerning us. My friend told me that she knew that I prayed it over Ian but she felt that the Lord had wanted her to pray this over us even before she knew we were in the hospital. Once she learned that Chris was in the hospital, she felt like the Lord wanted her to share the verse with me. She said she hesitated for several days because she felt that it would be insensitive to give me the verse, "The joy of the Lord is my strength" when we were in the hospital. Finally, God would not let up so she decided to send it to me. When I received her email, I knew that the joy of the Lord is my strength did not mean what I had always thought-to have the joy of the Lord on my face as I was going through this and, by doing so, this would give me strength. I told God that I wanted to "see" and "feel" what the "joy of the Lord is my strength" looks like.

That same night at the hospital, Chris woke up in pain, telling me that he felt like he was going insane from being in the room and was afraid we would never get out of there . The doctor had encouraged him earlier to walk the hospital because it can help the intestines to start to move but Chris was in so much pain from surgery that he could barely walk. I just sat there on my little sofa bed in hospital and didn't say a word. I was too exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally to even encourage him. All I could pray was, "God, please help us." Another close friend told me that God had woken her up to pray for us at that exact time. About thirty minutes later, we tried to go back to bed but Chris yells out that he thinks he has bowel sounds. I leaped from my bed and put my ear to his stomach. When I heard the noises in his stomach, I shouted, "THANK YOU, GOD!" Chris immediately wanted to get out of bed and walk the hospital so that things would continue to move. It was 4:00 a.m. but Chris was ready to roll. Earlier, I could not even get off the bed and now I was ready to do sprints around the hospital. At that moment, God said, "This is what the joy of the Lord looks like." I realized that our circumstances had not changed, that we were still in the hospital, Chris still had not passed anything through his intestines but he had given us joy at that moment so that we would have the strength, His strength, to move forward in the battle. He would show many more "the joy of the Lord is my strength" moments as you prayed and fasted for Chris' healing, emailed prayer teams, visited us in the hospital, prayed for us in the middle of the night, sent us words of encouragement, brought food to the hospital, bought me lunch at the hospital, prepared meals to feed our family, delivered payroll checks to our employees, brought little gifts to Chris to encourage him, took our trash to the curb, cleaned our pool, took care of our yard in the bitter cold which all helped my parents, who I am so thankful for, to be able to take care of my children. Thank you for allowing God to use your time, your words, your hands and feet to give us strength when we were so weak. "Your love has given me great joy and encouragement" (Philemon 1:7).

Trust In Me

I know that the questions are real

And the fears that you feel are strong

Still My heart is longing for you to try Me

You've got to trust in Me

lyrics by Charles Billingsley

Photo: The kids visit Chris at the hospital.

On Wednesday, December 15, 2010, I had to take Sami to the doctor to get her eyes checked. She had been telling me that she could not see clearly at a distance. I had made the appointment months before we had gone to China. Now I was wondering why I had scheduled it so soon after we returned from China. I could barely keep my eyes open so I decided I would read a book that I had received, Tortured for Christ, while we were waiting. This book definitely woke me up because it was about the life of Richard Wurmbrand who endured physical, mental and emotional torture during his imprisonments in his homeland of Romania for telling others about the love of Jesus Christ. While imprisoned, he would tell the other prisoners about Jesus even if it meant that he would be beaten and tortured with hot iron pokers or by other cruel means. He was also practically starved to death by only being allowed to have one piece a bread a WEEK. Many times, he would give his bread to someone who was suffering more than him. He also told how some of his torturers would tell him that they were the devil and have such joy as he cried out in pain. What was remarkable was that Richard would endure all of this and still have a strong desire to preach the gospel to others so that they might know Christ. I told God I didn't understand it. After reading how they were horrifically tortured, I just could not comprehend how Richard and so many others in the book had a desire to still continue to tell others about the love of Jesus Christ. I would soon learn that night that God would show me just a glimpse of how this was possible.

By that afternoon, I could hardly function since I had been up with Ian in the middle of the night again. I told Chris that I was going to take a thirty minute nap before we went to his mom's house for dinner. Chris never woke me up and took the kids himself to his mom's house. I woke up five hours later after hearing the kids return and couldn't believe that I had slept so long. Chris told me that he felt sick at his stomach so I went ahead and put the kids to bed. Within a few hours, Chris was on the bathroom floor in serious pain. When Chris mentioned that he wanted to go to the ER, I knew he had to be in some severe pain. Late that evening, I called my parents to come over to watch the kids. When we got to the ER, Chris' pain intensified even more and I was so thankful that this was not happening in China. They immediately brought him back to draw blood and had him drink a contrast in order for him to have a CT Scan. After he drank the solution, he had to wait two hours before he could have the CT Scan. They gave him pain medicine that was stronger than morphine so he could sleep. Chris' whole body relaxed then he slowly passed out. It was one o'clock in the morning and I thanked God for allowing me to be able to take such a long nap that day or I would have been in the bed beside him. While we were waiting, I remembered that I had left the book, Tortured for Christ, in my van. I decided to read it while Chris was asleep. As I was reading it, I looked up at Chris who was sleeping now. He had been in so much pain like he was being "tortured". I knew this was no accident that all this was happening right after we got back from China. We had been praising God for all He had done in our lives and there was no way that the enemy was going to allow it. He always tries to break your spirit and steal your joy so that you will no longer have the strength or the desire to want to praise God and tell others of His amazing love.

After the two hour waiting period, Chris went to have the CT Scan and the nurse told me that it should take only a hour for the results. Two hours later, I questioned why we had not received the results. The nurse told me that a surgeon had been called but that was all she could tell us. Finally, the surgeon, Dr. Winger, came in the room and told us that Chris had a blockage in his intestines but they had no idea what was causing the blockage. Chris mentioned that he had been having problems with his gallbladder but that the doctor he had been seeing had performed several tests and insisted that it was not his gallbladder. Dr. Winger decided to run a very thorough test on Chris' gallbladder but he would have to be off pain medicine for 4 hours. This was HUGE because Chris was in incredible pain. Dr. Winger also decided to have him admitted into the hospital that morning. During the next four hours, Chris threw up several times because of the pain but, by the grace of God, he made it and was ready to take the test. Because Chris was in a lot of pain, I wanted to be with him when he went down to have the test. The nurse told me that they would be coming to get him in a few minutes. I wanted to get a Sprite because I was so thirsty but I didn't have any cash on me. The cafeteria was downstairs and I could use my credit card but I knew I would not make it back in time before they took Chris for his test. I was hoping that I could scrape up enough change in my purse to get a Sprite from the Coke machine on our floor of the hospital. Every time I would questioned God about why He was allowing this to happen when we had just gotten back from China, He would say, "Trust Me." I decided that I was going to start by trusting God to give me something to drink before we had to go down to take the test. I thought maybe when I got to the Coke machine, I would have some change hidden in my purse that didn't know about. When I got there, I dropped my purse and began to search frantically for change. After I searched every nook and cranny of my purse, I stood up, stomped my foot like a little child and told God silently, "I knew it. You told me to trust You. You own the entire Universe and I can't even get a Sprite to drink." At that moment, a man enters and says, "Do you want to buy a drink?" and hands me two dollars. I am holding the two dollars in my hand and I am in total shock. I told the man, "You don't have to do that." He said, "Don't' worry about it. I want to buy you a drink." I could hardly talk trying to hold back the tears but I was able to say, "Thank you!" I looked at the Coke machine. It had Cokes in cans for seventy-five cents but the Sprites were in bottles and cost a dollar and twenty-five cents. God had the man give me two dollars so I was able to buy a Sprite. I was so overwhelmed with God's love for me. He was showing me that I could trust Him even for a Sprite to drink so how much more could I trust Him with Chris and all my other fears.

"My heart trusts in Him, and I am helped.

My heart leaps for joy and

I will give thanks to Him in song."

Psalm 28:6-7

He Never Sleeps

And He never sleeps, He never slumbers

He never tires of hearing our prayer

When we are weak, He becomes stronger

So rest in His love and cast all of your cares

on Him
lyrics by Don Moen

Photos: Ian adjusting to the new time zone.

After three flights, twenty hours of flying time, an active two year old and one amazing God, we made it back to Atlanta on Friday, December 10, 2010. The ride from the airport seemed like an eternity. It actually felt like I was in a dream. When we finally arrived home and were able to see the kids, you could have heard our screams for miles. Ian jumped right in just like he had always been here and the kids just adored him.

We had skyped our kids each day from China so Ian was already familiar with everyone. This was the first time that we had used Skype in China. I don't think I would have survived the 18 days without it. What a blessing it was to be able to see the kids each day. It was also fun for them to be able to show us things you could not see over the phone like drawings, cartwheels, toy guitar playing and dancing.

On our first night home, I begged God for Ian to sleep through the night because I had not slept the night before we left China nor on the flights back home. I knew this would be impossible because Ian was on a totally different time zone. God answered my prayer because Ian slept through the entire night and didn't wake up until eight o'clock the next morning. The following nights were a different story. Ian would wake up in the middle of the night, bright eyed and bushy tailed ready to play. I knew that it would take time to adjust to the new time zone but I was so exhausted. Even so, I also knew that the One who never tires and never sleeps would watch over me, hold me up and not let me stumble nor fall (Psalm 121:3-4).

All I Want

'Cause all I really want for Christmas

Is someone to tuck me in

Tell me I'll never be alone

Someone whose love will never end

lyrics by Steven Curtis Chapman

Photo: Our group in China

On our last night in China I was so full of emotions. I was so ready to be at home in the U.S. but part of my heart will always be in China where our children took their first breath. Each time we have come to China I questioned God why we had to stay so long, always begging him to somehow shorten it. A close friend told me that these were precious gifts of time from God. Time that we had missed that He allowed me to capture with each child in our days in China.

Today, I feel so humbled and blessed that God had a different plan for my life than I ever expected. A plan that would carry us across the other side of the world to comfort a child who desired a family and gave us the joy as the parents of these precious children (Psalm 113:9).

Christmas Gift

This is Angie, again, posting for Tanya.

Chris is HOME!!! Please continue to pray for his recovery as they celebrate this first Christmas with Ian. Tanya will post soon. Merry Christmas!

Surgery! (Chris, NOT Ian)

This is Angie Spradlin, posting for Tanya.

Chris had surgery this morning to remove his gall bladder and relieve a blockage in his intestines. He is expected to be at Piedmont Fayette Hospital for 5-6 days. Please pray for a swift recovery so that he can go home sooner. The kids are too young to visit Chris in the hospital. It's hard for them to be away from Chris and Tanya (who is with him at the hospital) so soon after their return from China. Please pray for Ian as he continues to adjust and for Tanya's parents as they care for the kids.

Fill My Cup

Bread from Heaven

Feed me till I want no more

Fill my cup, fill it up

And make me whole

lyrics by Cece Winans

Photo: William at Harmony House

On our last day in Beijing, we had our guide contact Lily, the Director of Harmony House, to see if we could visit the orphanage in Langfang. Lily told our guide that she was doing business in Beijing and would be happy to pick us up at 1:30 p.m. When we met Lily in the lobby of our hotel, she directed us to the orphanage van. Lily's husband had driven and there were two other ladies sitting in the back of the van. I assumed that they were nannies from the orphanage. Lily told us that they were picking up a little boy who was three years old who also had a ear deformity on the way back to Harmony House. The boy had lived in an orphanage for three years and had lived with a foster family in China for the past three weeks. Lily said that the foster family could not handle the responsibility of another child and an American adoption agency had arranged for Harmony House to pick him up instead of returning him to the same orphanage.

When we arrived at the foster family's apartment building, Lily ran inside to get the boy and I started praying for him. After a few minutes, Lily returned to the van holding the boy. His eyes were filled with terror but he didn't shed a tear. She told me that the foster mom said that the little boy had to hold something in order to fall asleep because he was extremely scared at night. Lily went on to say that he had a horrible experience at his orphanage but didn't say what had happened. When I looked down, I noticed that he was holding a purple toy cup in his tiny hand, his only comfort at that moment. I could not contain the tears and had to look out the window to keep the little boy from seeing me. As we drove for the next forty five minutes, he never moved or made a noise. Lily looked him over and said he looked like a William, his new name while at Harmony House.

When we finally arrived at Harmony House, Lily placed William on the sofa and gave him a few toys to play with. Ian jumped right in and tried to play with him but William was still in shock, motionless, holding firmly onto his little cup. I felt STRONGLY that God wanted me to fill his cup. I had Cheerios in my bag so I filled his cup to the top. William still didn't move. I felt STRONGLY again that God wanted me to fill it until it overflowed with Cheerios. This time, I poured the Cheerios into his cup until they spilled over into his lap. At that moment, the fear left his eyes and he placed one of the Cheerios into his mouth. He slowly began to play with Ian and the other children at the orphanage. After a while, the other children noticed his cup filled with Cheerios. As they came over to him, he handed each of them some of his Cheerios. I was amazed that he was willing to share his cup of Cheerios, his only possession, with the other children. I didn't want him to give all of his Cheerios away so Chris and I started handing out Cheerios to the other children. We couldn't hand them out fast enough. They were gobbling them up. I looked over to check on William and he was still passing out his Cheerios to the other children. I kept reaching over and filling up his cup until it overflowed again. He would eat some more and again give some to the other children.

When it was time to leave, we gave hugs to William and to the other children then waved good-bye to them. At that moment, William broke down and cried. His cry echoed in my heart and is the same cry of all the orphans around the world. "Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted" (Psalm 25:16). I know that God saves those who are crushed in spirit and many times He uses our hands and feet to do it. God has blessed us so much in America that our cups run over and spill into our laps. We think that the extra means that we should keep it to ourselves so we can feel secure about our future instead of giving it to the future. God showed me that just like I kept wanting to fill William's cup because he was giving to the other children, He also wants to do the same with us when we give to others. "Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you" (Luke 6:38).

Tonight, there are so many orphans who are lonely, afraid and holding their "cups" close to their chest and God is saying to us, "Fill their cups until it overflows!" How can we do it? We can fill their cups through adoption, helping families who trying to adopt (http://pathwaytoafrica.blogspot.com/) and by supporting orphanages like Harmony House (http://www.harmonyoutreach.org/) and True Children's Home (http://www.truechildrenshome.org/) who help orphans while they are waiting for their families. My prayer is that we no longer hear the cries of orphans around the world but their songs of joy to the God who "sets the lonely in families," overflows their cups and makes sure goodness and love follow them all the days of their lives (Psalm 68:6, Psalm 23:5-6).

Abba Father

Abba Father, My Defender
You are Holy
And I surrender
For in my weakness
You protect me
lyrics by Shaun Groves

Homesick is the word of the day. We miss our kids, our bed and American food. We have eaten Chinese food for lunch and dinner almost everyday in Beijing. Chris joked that he was going to take our guide back to the U.S. and feed her spaghetti everyday, marinara one day and meat sauce for special occasions, if we ate steamed rice again.

Before we left Beijing, Chris found Outback Steakhouse located in one of the hotels along a main shopping street. Our guide told our group that we could go to Outback for dinner on our own and she would give us a special dinner the next night. I guess that means fried rice. When we finally made it to Outback, we ordered the wings. Chris and I savored every single bite and pretended we were back at home. We also found out that Ian loves their mash potatoes. I think he is tired of the rice, too.

After dinner, we tried to get a taxi, with another family in our group, back to the hotel. Normally, we would have walked but it was FREEZING so we had the hotel call us a taxi. When we got into the taxi, the driver was irate and spoke in broken English that he didn't want children in his taxi. It was normally ten yuan to take us back to the hotel so Chris offered him thirty yuan. The driver still refused and insisted on more money. He also kept yelling in Chinese at the hotel attendants and pointing aggressively at the children. Chris said, "Don't you care about cold babies." He said, "NO!" Chris said, "You are a bad man!" and slammed the door. The driver got out of his taxi, started yelling and coming toward Chris. At this point, we were walking away. When Chris realized the driver was getting out of the taxi, he turned around and stood his ground. I was starting to get nervous because I knew Chris was not playing around. I also knew "Bad Man" didn't stand a chance after messing with the kids. I think he realized it, too, because he got back in his taxi, drove by Chris with the windows rolled up and gave Chris a dirty look. I am sure the doors were locked.

Now looking back, it made me think of how God, our heavenly Father, is the Defender of the weak, the oppressed, the fatherless and afflicted. God, their Helper, sees their trouble and grief. He hears their cries, takes the matter into His hands and will defend them "in order that man, who is of this earth, may terrify them no more" (Psalm 10:14-18).

Faithful to Believe

Is there anything to hard for the Lord?

Is there anything that He can't do?

Is there anything impossible?

Will He withhold any good thing from you, say

NO, NO, NO, NO

lyrics by Bryon Cage

In the past few days, we have gone to the Summer Palace, Beijing Zoo and even saw the Bird's Nest at Olympic Park but my favorite day was when we took a rickshaw ride through the Hutong area of Beijing. While we were in Hutong, we visited with a local family. They showed us their home and taught us how to make Chinese dumplings. The mother of the home said that Chris could make dumplings as good as the Chinese women and gave him two thumbs up. Later, they cooked the dumplings and our group ate together in their home. It was a very unique experience that I will never forget.

In the past week, Ian has also become more and more comfortable with us. He has been running back and forth in our room, "laughing all the way." Everything is merry until we have to say "no" or tell him to "wait" when he wants to go on another adventure. Let's just say that he is not "making spirits bright" in the room when he doesn't get his way. I was starting to get a little concerned with the tantrums and asked God for wisdom about what to do. God reminded me that I do the same thing at times when He tells me "no" or "wait" to what I want Him to do or let me do. It might not be a physical tantrum but it is definitely an emotional one. God also reminded me that, in time, Ian will understand just like I have that He withholds NO good thing and the joy that comes when we trust in Him (Psalm 84:11-12).

Taste and See

Taste and see that the Lord is good

His love endures forever

Taste and see that the Lord is good

The Lord is good

Lyrics by Greg Bostock

When we picked up Ian from the orphanage, they handed me a bag. It was the items I had sent to Ian for his birthday through www.blessedkids.com. His blanket was still in its package, unopened, along with the other items which meant Ian never received them. I told Chris that Ian probably never even got a piece of his birthday cake, too. I was so disappointed.

Today, one of the parents in our group, Matt, celebrated his 39th Birthday. Our guide had a birthday cake delivered to his room. Matt brought us a huge piece of cake that could feed all three of us to our room. Ian was so excited that he barely let me sit down with it. As I was feeding it to him, the Lord reminded me that Ian was getting his piece of cake after all. God is so good! He makes all things right!

"Taste and see that the Lord is good.

Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in Him!"

Psalm 34:8 (NLT)

Shout To The Lord

My Jesus, my Saviour

Lord, there is none like you

All of my days I want to praise

The wonders of Your mighty love

lyrics by Darlene Zscheeh

Today's adventure was the Great Wall. On the way there, Chris pulled out his bag of M&Ms while Ian was looking out the window. As soon as Ian heard the crinkling of the bag, he leaped across my lap to Chris so he could have some candy. If I had any doubts that he could hear, that eliminated them.

We have been to China five times but have never been to the Great Wall. Chris thought it would be too hard to climb with Ian because it was very steep where we were climbing. I knew this would probably be the last time we would ever see the Great Wall so I really wanted to give it our best shot. Some of the steps were huge so it made it difficult to hold Ian and climb at the same time. It didn't take long to realize that Chris was right but I still wanted to push further. I was breathing so hard climbing up that we had to stop and take a rest. Soon four Chinese women probably in their eighties walked right by us without any trouble. We were so impressed that it gave us that second wind we needed to get down the steep stairs with Ian. By the time we made it back to the bottom, our legs were completely jello.

If that wasn't enough excitement for one day, our guide took us to the largest Jade Market in China. I think it was the most expensive one, too. Ian wanted to play with the jewelry but I was afraid he would break one. The Lord reminded me that I had the Chinese bracelet with the five wooden beads in my bag. The five wooden beads that represented my five children from China. When I gave it to Ian, I wanted to cry. I realized we had climbed so many great walls to bring home our children from China. Some walls felt steep and hard to climb but, with every step, God carried us because He "is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine according to his power that is at work within us" (Ephesians 3:20). Through it all, He has taken our breath away and left us where we can no longer stand but only lay at His feet and praise Him.

He Touched Me

He touched me, Oh He touched me

And Oh the joy that floods my soul

Something happened and now I know

He touched and made me whole

lyrics by Bill Gaither

Yesterday, we went to the Forbidden City. Ian was beaming as he walked holding each of our hands. He looked like a little snowman because we had to bundled him up. It was freezing, cloudy and windy so it was really hard to concentrate on what our guide was saying about the Forbidden City. After about ten minutes of speaking, our guide asked if we had any questions. Chris said, "Where is the hot chocolate?" We soon learned that hot chocolate was also forbidden.

The Forbidden City received its name because the common people were not allowed in the "city" where the emperor lived. I love that Jesus, the King of kings and Lord of lords, walked among the common people. In Mark 10:13-16, people brought little children to Jesus so He might touch them. The disciples rebuked those who brought them. When Jesus saw it, He was greatly displeased and said to them, “Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of God. Assuredly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will by no means enter it.” Then Jesus took the children up in His arms, laid His hands on them, and blessed them.I am so thankful that we can still bring our children to Jesus in prayer and place them in His arms. He will touch them with His healing hands, bind up their broken hearts and give them a new song to sing (Isaiah 61:1-2).

Jesus Saves

Free at last, every debt has been repaid

Broken hearts can be remade, Jesus saves

Sing above the storms of life
Sing through the darkness night, Jesus saves
lyrics by Tim Hughes

Happy Thanksgiving! We give thanks and glory to God because Jesus saves! We now hold Ian in our arms and I know heaven is rejoicing with us along with all of you! "I will praise you, O Lord, with all my heart. I will tell of all your wonders" (Psalm 91:1).Ian is doing so great! He was scared at first which is to be expected. I gave him some Cheerios and he seemed to warm up to us a bit but would not make eye contact. The guide told us that we only had five minutes before we had to leave to go to the government office to do paperwork. When we started walking out of the orphanage, Ian started crying and was really upset. You could tell that he was confused and did not know what was going on. The caretaker came over to him, dried his tears and talked to him. I wish I knew what she said because he stopped crying instantly. When we got on the bus, Chris tried to make him laugh. Chris was hysterical but Ian stayed stone faced. It reminded me of the game the kids like to play, "See if you can make me laugh", and you try to see how long you can go without laughing. One of the kids who came with their parents to China was even laughing out loud but Ian looked at Chris as if to say, "Is that all you got?"When we got back to the hotel, Ian was very quiet. He had five layers of clothes on so we tried to take some of them off to make him feel more comfortable. He is very tiny and looked a lot bigger in his photos. Now we know why. He was wearing ten pounds of clothing. By the afternoon, he was smiling and laughing with Chris. By evening, he was puckering his lips to give us kisses at dinner. God is so amazing!At bedtime, we put Ian in his crib and gave him a lamb, a gift from Chris' mom, that has buttons that make different sounds like the ocean, rain and even the sound of a heartbeat. Ian was pushing all the buttons at first then went to sleep in about five minutes. Two hours later, he woke up and started crying. I comforted him but he was really upset. I prayed and asked God to show me what to do. He reminded me that Ian likes music because he has been humming tunes all afternoon. I put him back in his crib, placed my hand on his chest and started singing, "Jesus Loves Me". Within minutes, he stopped crying and was sound asleep. Again, God is so amazing. I wonder if the tunes Ian has been humming were the songs that God sang over him in the orphanage when he was afraid so many nights. "The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you. He will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing" (Zephaniah 3:17).

Meant To Be

Long Before You Drew Your First Breath

A Dream Was Coming True
God Wanted to Give A Gift To The World

So He Wrapped It Up In You

lyrics by Steven Curtis Chapman

Photo: Ian Le Bourque taken on 10/8/2010

Ian turned two years old on October 8th, 2010. I had Adele from http://www.blessedkids.com/ send a birthday cake along with a package containing a bear, blanket and pictures of our family to his orphanage in Beijing. She was also able to get updated pictures of Ian from the orphanage along with his current measurements. What an incredible gift this was since we could not be there on his birthday!

Even though he is not smiling in the photo, I have been praying for many months that the "joy of the Lord would be His strength" (Nehemiah 8:10). God has been so faithful with all my children and I know He will continue to be faithful with Ian. "Our mouths were filled with LAUGHTER, our tongues with songs of JOY." (Psalm 126:2).

Please pray for us as we travel tomorrow to China and are finally able to hold Ian in our arms. It is required that we stay for 18 days because we are adopting from Beijing so please also pray for us and our children as we are separated. My parents are wonderful so I know that my children will be in good hands but it is still VERY HARD to be separated for this long. Please also pray for my parents as they care for our children. Lastly, pray for our employees as they hold down the fort while Chris is gone.

We feel so blessed to have such incredible friends. Thank you for praying for us. Below is our itinerary and the hotels where we will be staying so that you can keep up with us while we are in China. Of course, we will also keep you posted on the blog but at least you will know where we are even if we don't.

Nov 23: Fly from Atlanta to New York (JFK) by flight DL2976 at 10:45 a.m. and arrive at 1:00 p.m. Then fly from New York to Beijing by flight CA982 at 3:50 p.m.
Nov 24: Arrive in Beijing by flight CO 982 at 6:20 p.m. Stay at Wangfujing Grand Hotel
Nov 25: GOTCHA DAY! Meet Ian in the morning. God is good! Registration in civil affair office
Nov 26: Local sightseeing: Forbidden City
Nov 27: Local sightseeing: Great Wall
Nov 28: Local sightseeing: the Summer Palace
Nov 29: get registration certificate, notarization and apply for passport
Nov 30: Local sightseeing: Beijing Zoo,
Dec 1: Local sightseeing: Hutong Tour
Dec 2: Local sightseeing: Olympic Park
Dec 3: Get passport
Dec 4: Fly from Beijing to Guangzhou by flight CA 1315 at 1:00 p.m. and arrive at 2:00 p.m. Stay at White Swan Hotel
Dec 5: Local sightseeing: Yuntai Park
Dec 6: Take visa photo and Physical check. Visit Pedestrian Shopping Street
Dec 7: Visa appointment at 9:00. Local sightseeing
Dec 8: Swearing in the ceremony at the Consulate, visit Liuhuahu park
Dec 9: Get visa
Dec 10: Fly from Guangzhou to Beijing by flight CA1310 at 8:00 a.m. and arrive at 11:00 a.m. Then fly from Beijing to New York by flight CA981 at 1:00 p.m. and arrive 30 minutes later at 1:30 p.m. (I WISH IT WAS ONLY 30 MINUTES!). Finally, we fly from New York to Atlanta by flight DL61 at 4:45 p.m. and arrive at 7:35 p.m. to be united with our children. What a wonderful day this will be!!!!

Hotel information:
Wang Fu Jing Grand Hotel in Beijing
Tel: 86-10-65221188
Fax: 86-10-65223816
57 Wangfujing Street,
Beijing, China 100006

White Swan Hotel in Guangzhou
Tel: 86-20-81886968
Fax: 86-20-81861188
Shamian Island,
Guangzhou, China 510133

Meant to Be - Steven Curtis Chapman

For You

'Cause when you are up against the wall

You know I will be here for you

When you rise and when you fall

I'll always be here for you

lyrics by Michael W. Smith, William Owsley, Wayne Kirkpatrick

Photo: My Sweet Tooth taken on 10/31/2010

After taking more medicine, several more ultrasounds and painful procedures, my new doctor told me that I was fine. I told her that I didn't feel fine but she assured me that I would feel better in time. No matter how much I wanted to believe her, I knew I was not fine. In fact, we went to Disney with my parents one week later as we had planned and I told my mom that I had destroyed my body by taking the medicine.

After returning from Disney, four days later, I started having pain and would soon learn that I was hemorrhaging. I called my mom so she could watch the kids. This time when she said that I should go to the emergency room, I didn't argue because I knew it was bad. When Chris and I got to the emergency room, he told them what was going on and they immediately took me back to have a nurse look at me. The nurse asked, "So what is going on with you?" At this point, I am in a ball because of the pain and say, "I am worried about losing so much blood." She takes a closer look at me and starts yelling for a doctor. It all seems like a whirlwind or more like a dream. I couldn't believe that I ended up in the emergency just like Chris' Mom had said and, desperately, wished that I had listened to her by having the D&C.

During the whirlwind, the nurse starts asking Chris to tell her exactly what has been going on. She wanted to know doctors, procedures, dates and medicines I had taken. Even though I was in pain, feeling like I was going to pass out, I still was going to try to answer the questions because I really did not think a guy would remember dates, procedures, etc. As I started to answer for Chris even though I could not even remember my own name much less dates, Chris interrupts me and says, "Are you going to let me handle this, Tanya?" Suddenly, I realized that I am always trying to control the situation even when I am bleeding to death. The next thing I knew, Chris is telling the nurse everything that happened over the past month with exact dates, procedures and medicine like he was doctor reading it from my chart. I was stunned because I didn't even know the exact dates because I had been to the doctor so many times. Even while I was in pain, my heart broke because of so many times that I have tried to take over instead of letting him be in charge of the situation.

In the end, it was a long night and I ended up having an emergency D&C. When I woke up, Chris was there, the man in charge, my hero. Even while trying to wake up from anesthesia, I was overwhelmed at what an incredible man God has given me. I would not have wanted to go through this journey of life with anyone but him. He is "outstanding among ten thousand" (Song of Songs 5:10) and I feel blessed to call him my husband.

Before the Morning

Would you dare to believe

that you still have a reason to sing,

'Cause the pain you've been feeling,

can't compare to the joy that's coming

lyrics by Josh Wilson

Photo: Ian Le Bourque

On January 12, 2010, after enduring "labor pains" in the middle of the night, Chris and I decided to still look at the new Waiting Children's List for China that would be posted at our agency's website at 12:00 p.m. that day. We prayed that God would show us if we were suppose to adopt a child from the list. He had planned our family before time began and NOTHING could change that. This was our first time with this agency so we really did not know what to expect when the list came out. We had to leave our house at 12:15 p.m. in order to make an ultrasound appointment at our doctor's office in Atlanta. We really only had 15 minutes to look at the list and contact the agency. After the list was posted, Chris wanted to start at the bottom of the list and, immediately, was drawn to a little boy who would be two on October 8th. His special need was that he had a deformity of his right external ear. The right ear was completely closed and it had not fully formed. I asked Chris if he wanted to look at his medical file. He said, "YES!!!" I asked him if he was sure that he didn't want to look at the whole list. He yelled, "NO! Email the agency NOW". The list was posted at 12:00 p.m. and I emailed the agency at 12:03 p.m. After that, we had to leave the rest to God because we had to leave for my doctor's appointment in Atlanta.

We, literally, made it to our doctor's appointment right on time. After the ultrasound, my doctor told me that the medicine had not worked. She told me that I would have to take another dose tonight. I could not contain myself and burst out crying. There was NO WAY I could take that medicine again. She told me that she would give me only one pill instead of three and that I should be okay. On the way home, I was so discouraged to know that I had endured all that pain for nothing. Now I might go through it again and it still might not work. I was completely terrified.

When I got home, I checked to see if our agency had emailed us. They did and told us, "Thank you, your name is on the wait list for this child. You are second, only one family ahead of you and they are currently reviewing the information." Our previous adoption agency that closed down would allow two families to look at a child's file. If both families wanted to pursue the child then they would pray about what family was best for the child then make a decision. I did not know what to expect with our current agency but I knew now that only one family could look at a child's file. The family would have to have his medical file reviewed by a pediatrician which could take a couple of weeks. After that, I knew that they would most likely pursue him. Chris and I were disappointed and confused about everything. What I really wanted to do was just fall to the ground and weep about everything that had happened over the past several months.

That night, Chris and I were talking in the office while I was sitting at the computer. At 7:33 p.m., I received an email from our agency that said, "Hello, we have just learned the first family on the list for this child will need a waiver, therefore they are not eligible at this time. You are the next family on the list." I screamed and told Chris the good news. The next day, we had his medical file reviewed by our pediatrician which is required before you can pursue an adoption. He called us within hours to speak to us about his ear deformity but said that he looked healthy. God reminded me of the stanza in the poem, A Child's Desire, I had written, These are the desires of a broken heart, Of a child who has some missing parts, God has heard and sees his plight, And will fulfill with all his might. We were so elated at what God had done and emailed our agency to tell them we wanted to pursue the adoption of this little boy. Since we had not yet given him a name, I mentioned several names and their meanings to Chris. I was drawn to the name Ian which means "God is gracious". When I mentioned the name to Chris, he said that he would think about it but the kids loved it.

Later that same evening, the kids prayed for Ethan, the boy with the heart condition and in the same orphanage as Ian, like they did every night. They were constantly praying that he would not die. I tried to gently let them know he was probably in heaven with Jesus but they continued to pray for him because we did not know for sure. As they were saying Ethan (E-than), I realized that it sounded similar to Ian (E-an). Suddenly, I felt God speak to my heart and say that even though things did not work out like I had expected with Ethan and the baby, He is gracious and blessed us with Ian. "Yet the LORD longs to be GRACIOUS to you; therefore He will rise up to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!" (Isaiah 30:18). I told Chris and we both agreed that Ian was his name and thanked God again for this little boy, our son, who God had planned for our family before he ever took his first breath.

"Weeping may last through the night,

but joy comes with the morning."

Psalm 30:5

I Will Trust You

Even when I don't understand,
Even then I will say again
You are my God, and I will trust You
lyrics by Steven Curtis Chapman

Photo: Releasing a Butterfly

Just a few days before Christmas in 2009, I found out I was pregnant. I couldn't believe it. I also couldn't understand why I would be pregnant when we were in the process of adopting our fifth child. China allows "no more than five children in your home including the child to be adopted. The youngest child in the home must be over 1 year old". We were only two months along in the adoption process. There was no way that we would make it to China before the baby was born which would make five children in the home, the youngest being under the age of one. With all this said, I was really confused. We had finally moved forward to adopt and now we would be unable to. I started to grieve the loss of the child who was still in China. The child who was suppose to be a part of our family and that we may never know.

A week later, I was scheduled for an ultrasound. When I went in for my appointment, the technician could see the baby but she could not find a heartbeat. My doctor wanted to do a D&C the next day but I asked him if it could be too early to hear a heartbeat. He told me it was possible and that we could wait one more week. After returning a week later, there was still no heartbeat. At that same visit, I found out that my doctor had went on a six week leave because his wife had just had a baby. The doctor who was filling in told me that I could have a D&C by a different doctor or take medicine that would do the same thing but there was a risk of hemorrhaging. I asked what he recommended. He told me to take the medicine because it was not expensive and I could be at home. I told Chris and he agreed but both our parents disagreed. In fact, Chris' mom, who had been a nurse, told me that I would probably hemorrhage since I had a history of endometrosis. She was concerned that I would end up in the emergency room. I still decided to take the medicine because I really did not believe that this would happen.

The next day, I had to take a total of three pills. Everything seemed okay after the first two pills. In fact, I told Chris that I was fine and he could go to bed. After he went to bed, I took the third pill. Within twenty minutes, I started having severe pain and panicing. After several hours of pain, pacing and praying, I called my mom and told her that I didn't understand what was going on. She told me to wake up Chris. I told her that I thought I would be okay. I didn't want to wake Chris up because he had to get up at 4 am. I really thought this would end soon. After I got off the phone, it did not take long before I crawled into the bedroom. I began begging Chris to help me. Chris looked like a deer in headlights. He probably thought he was having a bad dream since I was totally fine when he went to bed. Just when I thought, "I wish my mom was here", my mom, practically, busted through the door. How I love her. I know Chris was relieved because he didn't know what to do and neither did I. My mom wanted me to go to emergency room but I told her that I wanted to wait. We decided to call the doctor to find out what we should do. The doctor, who was on call, told me that I was in labor and the pain was from my uterus contracting. I was relieved to know I was not dying but shocked that the doctor who recommended the medicine never said anything about labor pains. After the pain subsided, I finally passed out from exhaustion. When I woke up, I cried. I cried because, honestly, God had hurt my feelings. Why did He allow all this to happen? What was the purpose in all this?

My children did not know anything because it had happened in the middle of the night. We had never shared with them what was going on. Chris thought I needed to tell them so we could go through this as a family. When I told them, Sami, my oldest, asked me, "Why would God give something and then take it away?" I told her that I had that same question but I had to make a choice to trust God even when I didn't understand and know that He loves me. "But I trust in you, LORD; I say, “You are my God" (Psalm 31:4).

I Will Run To You

Your eye is on the sparrow
And your hand it comforts me
From the ends of the earth
To the depths of my heart
Let your mercy and strength be seen
lyrics by Darlene Zschech

Photo: Baby bird who fell from his nest in our backyard.

Hope for Children, our adoption agency, sadly closed down due to the economy. We had adopted all four of our children through this agency so we were extremely saddened by the news. I prayed and asked God to direct us to the right adoption agency. He reminded me of a conversation I had with someone, a year ago, who mentioned what a great experience they had with Christian World Adoption. I went to their website (http://www.cwa.org/) to check out the agency and noticed that they had posted a Waiting Children List for China. By this time, it was October but there was an April, May and June Waiting Children List still posted. I was drawn to the April List since God had spoken to our hearts on April 26, 2009, about going back to China. There were only a few on the list but I was drawn to a little boy with a heart condition who was located in an orphanage in Beijing. There was a video of him on the website. He was so pale and when he walked, it looked like he was going to faint. I thought of the verse, "But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint" (Isaiah 40:31). After researching his heart condition, I realized that if he didn't get help soon that he would die. Something came over me. I had to save this little boy. I couldn't let him die alone in an orphanage in China with no mother or father to comfort him.

I emailed the agency and asked them if they knew the urgency of getting this child help. I knew that even if we started the adoption process today, it would take months to get him and we would not make it in time to save him. We needed to get him help in China right away. The agency emailed me back by forwarding an email from a family who had tried to adopt him but felt like they could not handle his health needs . They were informed by their cardiologist that, "This child is likely already inoperable due to pulmonary hypertension and once he is inoperable, his only hope would be a heart and lung transplant. He will be 3 in December and by that age, it would likely be too late for surgery." At that point, I would have normally ran as fast as I could from this situation. If you remember, I was already concerned about how was I going to handle another child on top of starting to home school. Now I was looking at a child who had serious health needs but I just couldn't leave him. I asked the adoption agency for updated information on him. They emailed back that the orphanage was no longer giving information on him because he was not doing well. I told the kids to pray for him. Sami wanted to give him a name since we were going to pray for him and named him Ethan which we learned meant "strong". What a perfect name for him. Even if he is weak, God could reverse his situation and make him strong.

I remembered a book I had read a few years earlier, Saving Levi-Left to Die...Destined to Live by Lisa Misraje Bentley. It was about a family who have moved to China and while they were there saved a little baby that was badly burnt. They now had their own orphanage, Harmony House (http://www.harmonyoutreach.org/) and were helping many orphans in China. I also remembered that their orphanage was located in Langfang, China, just outside the city of Beijing--the same city that Ethan's orphanage was in. I emailed, John Bentley, Lisa's husband who started Harmony Outreach, to ask if he could check on him and see if they would allow him to be transferred to their orphanage. I also asked if he would be willing to take him to a hospital to be evaluated by a doctor if we paid for the evaluation. He emailed me back and told me that, "Our donations have dropped off so much (economy) that I and two other US staff members have been on ½ salary for two months. Soon I would have to cut programs in China. Part of our difficulty lies in the fact that we took in so many children with serious heart conditions and other problems that it drained our finances and because we encouraged our donors to give to surgeries – so much money that would have come to Harmony got designated for those projects. In the next month we will have four of our children adopted and so we will have room at Harmony House but we cannot financially stand to take in hard “expensive” cases right now." I asked him how much has he and the other staff members lost over the past 2 1/2 months. He responded back and I felt like God wanted us to help them.

Please don't think I am trying to make you think how great I am for wanting to help them. After building a pool, I would not have given a dime to a Girl Scout selling cookies in the rain but God softened by heart. He also reminded me of The Parable of the Talents in Matthew 25:14-30. The Master was going on a journey and entrusted his property to his servants. He had given talents (money) to his three servants each according to his ability. One received 5 talents, to another two talents and to another one talent. The first two servants put their money to work and doubled their money. The third servant DUG A HOLE IN THE GROUND and hid his Master's money. When the Master returned, he was very pleased with the two servants and praised them. The third servant told the Master, "I knew you were a hard man, harvesting where you have not sown and gathering where you have not scattered seed. So I was afraid and went out and hid the talent in the ground. See, here is what belongs to you." The Master scolded the servant and asked why he didn't, at least, "put the money on deposit with the bankers so that when He returned he would have received it back with interest." Suddenly, I realized that we also had dug a hole and buried our talents (money) in the backyard with the pool instead of being faithful to what God had asked us to do. I don't believe that it is wrong to have a pool but God had told us to put our talents and efforts in starting the process of adoption.

I told Chris about the situation. I asked if we could use some of my retirement to help. He told me "yes". You have to know how amazing this was and that if anyone should boast is to boast of the GREATEST OF GOD because, at this point, Chris would have NEVER let me use retirement and I would have NEVER spent a dime but we were both compelled to do otherwise. I am still amazed how God orchestrated all the events in order to lead us to them so that He could help them by using our hands. John Bentley was blown away by God's goodness and amazed, once again, how God showed up right on time. He also told me that he would have Lily, a director at Harmony Outreach, who was Chinese, try to speak to the orphanage about Ethan's condition and see if they would allow them to help but not to get my hopes up. That night, as I was praying for Ethan, God gave me the words to this poem:

A Child's Desire
There lies a little boy
Helpless, weak, without a toy
He waits and watches his closed door
Because he knows that there is more

More than these four walls
More than these grieving halls
More than his little bed
More than the food he's fed

He yearns the comfort of loving arms
To protect him from all his harms
To cry at night and be heard
To hear the voice of loving words

To walk and not be faint
To play in sand and finger paint
To run with sisters and a brother
To have a father and a mother

These are the desires of a broken heart
Of a child who has some missing parts
God has heard and sees his plight
And will fulfill with all his might

I would later find out that the orphanage would refuse to give any information to Lily, one of the directors of Harmony Outreach, or allow her to help. Lily asked me to have our adoption agency contact the orphanage and, maybe then, they would be willing to talk to her. Our agency did not think it was a good idea for fear it would damage their relationship with the orphanage. Lily also asked me to forward his medical information and she would have a doctor look at them in China. After reviewing his file, the doctor said that there was no way that he could have surgery. I asked her why but she didn't know. At that point, I also decided to have his medical information reviewed by our own pediatrician. A few days later, he called to tell me that the little boy was in bad shape, was probably having a difficult time breathing and didn't even have the make-up to be able to have a transplant. In a gentle way, he told that he would live a very short life. I was devastated. What was the purpose in all of this?

God spoke to my heart and told me that I was trying to save one but He wanted to save many--helping Harmony Outreach continue to meet the needs of orphans in China. I knew that God had saved Ethan, too. Soon he would be running on streets of gold in heaven playing with other children who had been taken too soon for us to understand. I knew that Ethan would not die alone. God would make sure of it. Not a single sparrow can fall to the ground without God knowing it (Matthew 10:29) and God loved him more than I could ever imagine. He would give him a new heart. He would wipe away ever tear and hold him close to His chest. At that moment, I knew Ethan would be whole, have no more pain and be safe in the arms of God. "He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever" Revelation 21:4 (NLT).

Revelation Song

Filled with wonder, awestruck wonder
At the mention of your name
Jesus your name is power
Breath, and living water
Such a marvelous mystery
lyrics by Jenny Lee Riddle

I would love to tell you that we got right on the process of adopting our fifth child but our focus soon began on getting a new swimming pool. It did not take long before God decided to teach me another lesson through my kids-a lesson of obedience.

It was a day in May of 2009 when I walked into my girl's room to find them making a Christmas List. I was livid. How dare they make a Christmas List when we had just had Christmas and there were so many children in orphanages who didn't even have one toy. I made sure to let them know it then picked up my laundry basket and stomped out. As I am stomping to the laundry room, I am still mumbling to myself, "They have so much stuff that they don't even know what to do with it. I can't believe they made a Christmas List in May." Just when I was thinking that I hope they feel guilty after my speech, God spoke to my heart and said, "You mean like your "List" with a pool on it instead of going to get your child who has no toys in an orphanage in China." I was TOTALLY convicted. "Oh yeah, I see what You are saying" and immediately went back to the girl's room. I told them the Lord had convicted me of doing something similar and so we both need to work on not focusing so much on "things". I told Chris the story. Chris and I both rationalize that we could start both, build a pool and start the adoption process even when we both knew, in our hearts, we wouldn't be able to.

God even gave me a second warning after we went to look at a pool that had a giant waterfall, a 10 person jacuzzi and huge outdoor fireplace. It was GORGEOUS. I told Chris that I would love to have a pool like that-the kind that leaves you awestruck. I felt God speak to my heart that He doesn't want people to look at my pool and be awestruck. He wants people to look at my life, be awestruck by Him and what He is doing through my life. I was totally convicted again and shared it with Chris. We both agreed it was wrong but then rationalized that we couldn't afford an awestruck pool anyway. We would just settle for a pool without all the "bells and whistles". God knew our hearts and allowed us to disobey but we would soon learn that we would suffer the consequences for it. In case, we might question whether the circumstances were consequences, He made sure something happened everyday that related to the pool. First of all, I became neurotic about every detail because we were still spending so much money even without the "bells and whistles". Second of all, something crazy, literally, almost happened everyday. By the end of of the project, hating myself and everyone around me, I finally realized it was time to do what God had called us to do, ask for forgiveness and to obey.

I praise Him that His mercies are new every morning when I fail Him and that He will move heaven and earth to bring a child home despite my selfishness. "Because of the Lords’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness" (Lamentation 3:22-23). I also realized that NOTHING on this earth will leave us awestruck like the wonders and love of God. My children are evidence of His amazing love and how He transformed their lives. "Many, Lord my God, are the wonders You have done, the things You planned for us. None can compare with You; were I to speak and tell of Your deeds, they would be too many to declare" (Psalm 40:5).

"The whole earth is filled with awe

at Your wonders;

where morning dawns, where evening fades,

You call forth songs of joy."

Psalm 65:8

The Voice of Truth

The voice of Truth says "Do not be afraid"
The voice of Truth says "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will chose to listen and believe

the voice of Truth
lyrics by Steven Curtis Chapman/Mark Hall

On April 26, 2009, my only concern was whether God was truly calling us to home school. During a sermon entitled, "How Big Is Your God" by Randy Gravitt, I was begging God to confirm, ONE MORE TIME, what we were suppose to do. Well, He did speak but not in the way I was expecting. Let me go back to the day before. Lili, who was six at the time, had found a Chinese bracelet while we were dusting her room. I told her it was given to me by one of the mothers in our group who had all went to China together when we adopted her. Of course, Lili, who loves jewelry, wanted it. She is very sentimental and keeps every love note or birthday card so you can imagine how much this bracelet meant to her. During the sermon, Lili put the Chinese bracelet on my wrist. At that moment, God spoke to my heart that there were five wooden beads on the bracelet that represented my five children from China. In a split second, I responded, "But I only have four children...." Then I felt God speak to my heart again that He wanted us to go back for the fifth child. I said, "How will I be able to home school if we go back now?" This time there was no answer. I was in shock. Don't get me wrong. I knew we were going back. I just never thought so soon. We had just gotten home with Joseph in July 2008. It had not even been a full year yet.

After the service, I saw a very close friend of mine who was also planning to home school for the first time starting in August of 2009. My friend told me she felt like God had spoken to her during the service that she was going to have another child. She said she told Him, "Then how am I going to home school?" I was totally floored and said, "You are not going to believe this but I felt like God said the same thing to me." I held up my wrist to show her the bracelet. Without explaining anything, she yells, "FIVE beads!" and we both started crying. God is so amazing! You see, my friend has been on this journey with me from the very beginning before I had kids. She is one of my dearest friends who I would cry to when I had felt God saying I was going to have children but I never got pregnant. What I did not know at the time was that He would give me children through adoption and not in the way I expected. Of course, that is how God is. He never does what you imagine. He always does so much more than you imagine. He is the GREATEST storyteller of your life, better than any movie or novel written, and will always keep you wanting more, hanging on to the edge of your seat. "All my days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be" (Psalm 139:16).

I forgot to mention that by the end of the sermon, Randy Gravitt said, "Is God asking you to lay down something and pick something else up?" I knew it was time to lay down my agenda for our family and pick up God's agenda for our family--to home school. I do not believe that He calls every family to home school but only what He believes is best for your family. Chris and I had finally decided to trust God that He knew what was best for our family and just do it. I had tried many times to tell Him that there was NO WAY I could do this. In the past, I had even told people that were going to home school, "God would have to give me a burning bush experience before I would home school." Instead, it burned in my heart. He would not let up. I tried to tell Him what a bad influence I was and that they already had picked up my bad habits. What would happen if they were with me all day? I did not want them to be mini-mes with all my quirks. I felt like God was saying to my heart, "I know you cannot do it. I know you are not perfect but I know you can do it through My strength (Phil 4:13). I am not asking you to be perfect. I am asking you to trust the One who is perfect and point your children to Me. Yes, apart from Me you can do NOTHING. With Me, you can do all things for My glory" (John 15:5-8).

Believe me, God picks people like me, weak and ordinary, so He can show His glory (I Corinthians 1:26-31). Then everyone is saying, "Well, we know Tanya could not do this so it has to be God." Sometimes, I forget that it is God doing it through me. I try to home school in my own strength when I get "too busy" to stop and be still before God. It does not take long before I am in a heap crying saying, "I can't do this!" God is so gentle. He picks me up and shows me a lesson through my son, Joseph. One day, he was crying about something he could not do. I reminded him that he does not have to cry about it. He just needs to say, "Please, help me," and I will help him. I felt God saying to my heart, "That goes for you, too." Instead of crying saying, 'I can't do this,' just say 'God, please help me,' the next time you are having a hard time." It made me laugh. I never could understand why Joseph would just cry in frustration instead of asking for help when I was right there beside him. God was letting me know that He is also right there beside me every moment of the day. All I need to do is ask Him for help. "He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak" (Isaiah 40:29).

On the ride home, I told Chris everything that had happened during and after the service. He told me that he also felt God was speaking to him about the same things during the service. After God had revealed Himself in such a HUGE way, we decided we would move forward to home school and also start the process of adopting our fifth child. There were so many fears and insecurities in my head that day but I had to make a choice---to listen to the voice of Truth and believe that God is so much bigger than my weaknesses. "I am the way, the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.....And I will ask the Father and He will give you another Counselor to be with you forever--the Spirit of truth (Holy Sprit)" (John 14:6,16-17).