Even then I will say again
You are my God, and I will trust You
lyrics by Steven Curtis Chapman
Just a few days before Christmas in 2009, I found out I was pregnant. I couldn't believe it. I also couldn't understand why I would be pregnant when we were in the process of adopting our fifth child. China allows "no more than five children in your home including the child to be adopted. The youngest child in the home must be over 1 year old". We were only two months along in the adoption process. There was no way that we would make it to China before the baby was born which would make five children in the home, the youngest being under the age of one. With all this said, I was really confused. We had finally moved forward to adopt and now we would be unable to. I started to grieve the loss of the child who was still in China. The child who was suppose to be a part of our family and that we may never know.
A week later, I was scheduled for an ultrasound. When I went in for my appointment, the technician could see the baby but she could not find a heartbeat. My doctor wanted to do a D&C the next day but I asked him if it could be too early to hear a heartbeat. He told me it was possible and that we could wait one more week. After returning a week later, there was still no heartbeat. At that same visit, I found out that my doctor had went on a six week leave because his wife had just had a baby. The doctor who was filling in told me that I could have a D&C by a different doctor or take medicine that would do the same thing but there was a risk of hemorrhaging. I asked what he recommended. He told me to take the medicine because it was not expensive and I could be at home. I told Chris and he agreed but both our parents disagreed. In fact, Chris' mom, who had been a nurse, told me that I would probably hemorrhage since I had a history of endometrosis. She was concerned that I would end up in the emergency room. I still decided to take the medicine because I really did not believe that this would happen.
The next day, I had to take a total of three pills. Everything seemed okay after the first two pills. In fact, I told Chris that I was fine and he could go to bed. After he went to bed, I took the third pill. Within twenty minutes, I started having severe pain and panicing. After several hours of pain, pacing and praying, I called my mom and told her that I didn't understand what was going on. She told me to wake up Chris. I told her that I thought I would be okay. I didn't want to wake Chris up because he had to get up at 4 am. I really thought this would end soon. After I got off the phone, it did not take long before I crawled into the bedroom. I began begging Chris to help me. Chris looked like a deer in headlights. He probably thought he was having a bad dream since I was totally fine when he went to bed. Just when I thought, "I wish my mom was here", my mom, practically, busted through the door. How I love her. I know Chris was relieved because he didn't know what to do and neither did I. My mom wanted me to go to emergency room but I told her that I wanted to wait. We decided to call the doctor to find out what we should do. The doctor, who was on call, told me that I was in labor and the pain was from my uterus contracting. I was relieved to know I was not dying but shocked that the doctor who recommended the medicine never said anything about labor pains. After the pain subsided, I finally passed out from exhaustion. When I woke up, I cried. I cried because, honestly, God had hurt my feelings. Why did He allow all this to happen? What was the purpose in all this?
My children did not know anything because it had happened in the middle of the night. We had never shared with them what was going on. Chris thought I needed to tell them so we could go through this as a family. When I told them, Sami, my oldest, asked me, "Why would God give something and then take it away?" I told her that I had that same question but I had to make a choice to trust God even when I didn't understand and know that He loves me. "But I trust in you, LORD; I say, “You are my God" (Psalm 31:4).
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