Meant to Be - Steven Curtis Chapman

For You

'Cause when you are up against the wall

You know I will be here for you

When you rise and when you fall

I'll always be here for you

lyrics by Michael W. Smith, William Owsley, Wayne Kirkpatrick

Photo: My Sweet Tooth taken on 10/31/2010

After taking more medicine, several more ultrasounds and painful procedures, my new doctor told me that I was fine. I told her that I didn't feel fine but she assured me that I would feel better in time. No matter how much I wanted to believe her, I knew I was not fine. In fact, we went to Disney with my parents one week later as we had planned and I told my mom that I had destroyed my body by taking the medicine.

After returning from Disney, four days later, I started having pain and would soon learn that I was hemorrhaging. I called my mom so she could watch the kids. This time when she said that I should go to the emergency room, I didn't argue because I knew it was bad. When Chris and I got to the emergency room, he told them what was going on and they immediately took me back to have a nurse look at me. The nurse asked, "So what is going on with you?" At this point, I am in a ball because of the pain and say, "I am worried about losing so much blood." She takes a closer look at me and starts yelling for a doctor. It all seems like a whirlwind or more like a dream. I couldn't believe that I ended up in the emergency just like Chris' Mom had said and, desperately, wished that I had listened to her by having the D&C.

During the whirlwind, the nurse starts asking Chris to tell her exactly what has been going on. She wanted to know doctors, procedures, dates and medicines I had taken. Even though I was in pain, feeling like I was going to pass out, I still was going to try to answer the questions because I really did not think a guy would remember dates, procedures, etc. As I started to answer for Chris even though I could not even remember my own name much less dates, Chris interrupts me and says, "Are you going to let me handle this, Tanya?" Suddenly, I realized that I am always trying to control the situation even when I am bleeding to death. The next thing I knew, Chris is telling the nurse everything that happened over the past month with exact dates, procedures and medicine like he was doctor reading it from my chart. I was stunned because I didn't even know the exact dates because I had been to the doctor so many times. Even while I was in pain, my heart broke because of so many times that I have tried to take over instead of letting him be in charge of the situation.

In the end, it was a long night and I ended up having an emergency D&C. When I woke up, Chris was there, the man in charge, my hero. Even while trying to wake up from anesthesia, I was overwhelmed at what an incredible man God has given me. I would not have wanted to go through this journey of life with anyone but him. He is "outstanding among ten thousand" (Song of Songs 5:10) and I feel blessed to call him my husband.

Before the Morning

Would you dare to believe

that you still have a reason to sing,

'Cause the pain you've been feeling,

can't compare to the joy that's coming

lyrics by Josh Wilson

Photo: Ian Le Bourque

On January 12, 2010, after enduring "labor pains" in the middle of the night, Chris and I decided to still look at the new Waiting Children's List for China that would be posted at our agency's website at 12:00 p.m. that day. We prayed that God would show us if we were suppose to adopt a child from the list. He had planned our family before time began and NOTHING could change that. This was our first time with this agency so we really did not know what to expect when the list came out. We had to leave our house at 12:15 p.m. in order to make an ultrasound appointment at our doctor's office in Atlanta. We really only had 15 minutes to look at the list and contact the agency. After the list was posted, Chris wanted to start at the bottom of the list and, immediately, was drawn to a little boy who would be two on October 8th. His special need was that he had a deformity of his right external ear. The right ear was completely closed and it had not fully formed. I asked Chris if he wanted to look at his medical file. He said, "YES!!!" I asked him if he was sure that he didn't want to look at the whole list. He yelled, "NO! Email the agency NOW". The list was posted at 12:00 p.m. and I emailed the agency at 12:03 p.m. After that, we had to leave the rest to God because we had to leave for my doctor's appointment in Atlanta.

We, literally, made it to our doctor's appointment right on time. After the ultrasound, my doctor told me that the medicine had not worked. She told me that I would have to take another dose tonight. I could not contain myself and burst out crying. There was NO WAY I could take that medicine again. She told me that she would give me only one pill instead of three and that I should be okay. On the way home, I was so discouraged to know that I had endured all that pain for nothing. Now I might go through it again and it still might not work. I was completely terrified.

When I got home, I checked to see if our agency had emailed us. They did and told us, "Thank you, your name is on the wait list for this child. You are second, only one family ahead of you and they are currently reviewing the information." Our previous adoption agency that closed down would allow two families to look at a child's file. If both families wanted to pursue the child then they would pray about what family was best for the child then make a decision. I did not know what to expect with our current agency but I knew now that only one family could look at a child's file. The family would have to have his medical file reviewed by a pediatrician which could take a couple of weeks. After that, I knew that they would most likely pursue him. Chris and I were disappointed and confused about everything. What I really wanted to do was just fall to the ground and weep about everything that had happened over the past several months.

That night, Chris and I were talking in the office while I was sitting at the computer. At 7:33 p.m., I received an email from our agency that said, "Hello, we have just learned the first family on the list for this child will need a waiver, therefore they are not eligible at this time. You are the next family on the list." I screamed and told Chris the good news. The next day, we had his medical file reviewed by our pediatrician which is required before you can pursue an adoption. He called us within hours to speak to us about his ear deformity but said that he looked healthy. God reminded me of the stanza in the poem, A Child's Desire, I had written, These are the desires of a broken heart, Of a child who has some missing parts, God has heard and sees his plight, And will fulfill with all his might. We were so elated at what God had done and emailed our agency to tell them we wanted to pursue the adoption of this little boy. Since we had not yet given him a name, I mentioned several names and their meanings to Chris. I was drawn to the name Ian which means "God is gracious". When I mentioned the name to Chris, he said that he would think about it but the kids loved it.

Later that same evening, the kids prayed for Ethan, the boy with the heart condition and in the same orphanage as Ian, like they did every night. They were constantly praying that he would not die. I tried to gently let them know he was probably in heaven with Jesus but they continued to pray for him because we did not know for sure. As they were saying Ethan (E-than), I realized that it sounded similar to Ian (E-an). Suddenly, I felt God speak to my heart and say that even though things did not work out like I had expected with Ethan and the baby, He is gracious and blessed us with Ian. "Yet the LORD longs to be GRACIOUS to you; therefore He will rise up to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!" (Isaiah 30:18). I told Chris and we both agreed that Ian was his name and thanked God again for this little boy, our son, who God had planned for our family before he ever took his first breath.

"Weeping may last through the night,

but joy comes with the morning."

Psalm 30:5

I Will Trust You

Even when I don't understand,
Even then I will say again
You are my God, and I will trust You
lyrics by Steven Curtis Chapman

Photo: Releasing a Butterfly

Just a few days before Christmas in 2009, I found out I was pregnant. I couldn't believe it. I also couldn't understand why I would be pregnant when we were in the process of adopting our fifth child. China allows "no more than five children in your home including the child to be adopted. The youngest child in the home must be over 1 year old". We were only two months along in the adoption process. There was no way that we would make it to China before the baby was born which would make five children in the home, the youngest being under the age of one. With all this said, I was really confused. We had finally moved forward to adopt and now we would be unable to. I started to grieve the loss of the child who was still in China. The child who was suppose to be a part of our family and that we may never know.

A week later, I was scheduled for an ultrasound. When I went in for my appointment, the technician could see the baby but she could not find a heartbeat. My doctor wanted to do a D&C the next day but I asked him if it could be too early to hear a heartbeat. He told me it was possible and that we could wait one more week. After returning a week later, there was still no heartbeat. At that same visit, I found out that my doctor had went on a six week leave because his wife had just had a baby. The doctor who was filling in told me that I could have a D&C by a different doctor or take medicine that would do the same thing but there was a risk of hemorrhaging. I asked what he recommended. He told me to take the medicine because it was not expensive and I could be at home. I told Chris and he agreed but both our parents disagreed. In fact, Chris' mom, who had been a nurse, told me that I would probably hemorrhage since I had a history of endometrosis. She was concerned that I would end up in the emergency room. I still decided to take the medicine because I really did not believe that this would happen.

The next day, I had to take a total of three pills. Everything seemed okay after the first two pills. In fact, I told Chris that I was fine and he could go to bed. After he went to bed, I took the third pill. Within twenty minutes, I started having severe pain and panicing. After several hours of pain, pacing and praying, I called my mom and told her that I didn't understand what was going on. She told me to wake up Chris. I told her that I thought I would be okay. I didn't want to wake Chris up because he had to get up at 4 am. I really thought this would end soon. After I got off the phone, it did not take long before I crawled into the bedroom. I began begging Chris to help me. Chris looked like a deer in headlights. He probably thought he was having a bad dream since I was totally fine when he went to bed. Just when I thought, "I wish my mom was here", my mom, practically, busted through the door. How I love her. I know Chris was relieved because he didn't know what to do and neither did I. My mom wanted me to go to emergency room but I told her that I wanted to wait. We decided to call the doctor to find out what we should do. The doctor, who was on call, told me that I was in labor and the pain was from my uterus contracting. I was relieved to know I was not dying but shocked that the doctor who recommended the medicine never said anything about labor pains. After the pain subsided, I finally passed out from exhaustion. When I woke up, I cried. I cried because, honestly, God had hurt my feelings. Why did He allow all this to happen? What was the purpose in all this?

My children did not know anything because it had happened in the middle of the night. We had never shared with them what was going on. Chris thought I needed to tell them so we could go through this as a family. When I told them, Sami, my oldest, asked me, "Why would God give something and then take it away?" I told her that I had that same question but I had to make a choice to trust God even when I didn't understand and know that He loves me. "But I trust in you, LORD; I say, “You are my God" (Psalm 31:4).

I Will Run To You

Your eye is on the sparrow
And your hand it comforts me
From the ends of the earth
To the depths of my heart
Let your mercy and strength be seen
lyrics by Darlene Zschech

Photo: Baby bird who fell from his nest in our backyard.

Hope for Children, our adoption agency, sadly closed down due to the economy. We had adopted all four of our children through this agency so we were extremely saddened by the news. I prayed and asked God to direct us to the right adoption agency. He reminded me of a conversation I had with someone, a year ago, who mentioned what a great experience they had with Christian World Adoption. I went to their website (http://www.cwa.org/) to check out the agency and noticed that they had posted a Waiting Children List for China. By this time, it was October but there was an April, May and June Waiting Children List still posted. I was drawn to the April List since God had spoken to our hearts on April 26, 2009, about going back to China. There were only a few on the list but I was drawn to a little boy with a heart condition who was located in an orphanage in Beijing. There was a video of him on the website. He was so pale and when he walked, it looked like he was going to faint. I thought of the verse, "But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint" (Isaiah 40:31). After researching his heart condition, I realized that if he didn't get help soon that he would die. Something came over me. I had to save this little boy. I couldn't let him die alone in an orphanage in China with no mother or father to comfort him.

I emailed the agency and asked them if they knew the urgency of getting this child help. I knew that even if we started the adoption process today, it would take months to get him and we would not make it in time to save him. We needed to get him help in China right away. The agency emailed me back by forwarding an email from a family who had tried to adopt him but felt like they could not handle his health needs . They were informed by their cardiologist that, "This child is likely already inoperable due to pulmonary hypertension and once he is inoperable, his only hope would be a heart and lung transplant. He will be 3 in December and by that age, it would likely be too late for surgery." At that point, I would have normally ran as fast as I could from this situation. If you remember, I was already concerned about how was I going to handle another child on top of starting to home school. Now I was looking at a child who had serious health needs but I just couldn't leave him. I asked the adoption agency for updated information on him. They emailed back that the orphanage was no longer giving information on him because he was not doing well. I told the kids to pray for him. Sami wanted to give him a name since we were going to pray for him and named him Ethan which we learned meant "strong". What a perfect name for him. Even if he is weak, God could reverse his situation and make him strong.

I remembered a book I had read a few years earlier, Saving Levi-Left to Die...Destined to Live by Lisa Misraje Bentley. It was about a family who have moved to China and while they were there saved a little baby that was badly burnt. They now had their own orphanage, Harmony House (http://www.harmonyoutreach.org/) and were helping many orphans in China. I also remembered that their orphanage was located in Langfang, China, just outside the city of Beijing--the same city that Ethan's orphanage was in. I emailed, John Bentley, Lisa's husband who started Harmony Outreach, to ask if he could check on him and see if they would allow him to be transferred to their orphanage. I also asked if he would be willing to take him to a hospital to be evaluated by a doctor if we paid for the evaluation. He emailed me back and told me that, "Our donations have dropped off so much (economy) that I and two other US staff members have been on ½ salary for two months. Soon I would have to cut programs in China. Part of our difficulty lies in the fact that we took in so many children with serious heart conditions and other problems that it drained our finances and because we encouraged our donors to give to surgeries – so much money that would have come to Harmony got designated for those projects. In the next month we will have four of our children adopted and so we will have room at Harmony House but we cannot financially stand to take in hard “expensive” cases right now." I asked him how much has he and the other staff members lost over the past 2 1/2 months. He responded back and I felt like God wanted us to help them.

Please don't think I am trying to make you think how great I am for wanting to help them. After building a pool, I would not have given a dime to a Girl Scout selling cookies in the rain but God softened by heart. He also reminded me of The Parable of the Talents in Matthew 25:14-30. The Master was going on a journey and entrusted his property to his servants. He had given talents (money) to his three servants each according to his ability. One received 5 talents, to another two talents and to another one talent. The first two servants put their money to work and doubled their money. The third servant DUG A HOLE IN THE GROUND and hid his Master's money. When the Master returned, he was very pleased with the two servants and praised them. The third servant told the Master, "I knew you were a hard man, harvesting where you have not sown and gathering where you have not scattered seed. So I was afraid and went out and hid the talent in the ground. See, here is what belongs to you." The Master scolded the servant and asked why he didn't, at least, "put the money on deposit with the bankers so that when He returned he would have received it back with interest." Suddenly, I realized that we also had dug a hole and buried our talents (money) in the backyard with the pool instead of being faithful to what God had asked us to do. I don't believe that it is wrong to have a pool but God had told us to put our talents and efforts in starting the process of adoption.

I told Chris about the situation. I asked if we could use some of my retirement to help. He told me "yes". You have to know how amazing this was and that if anyone should boast is to boast of the GREATEST OF GOD because, at this point, Chris would have NEVER let me use retirement and I would have NEVER spent a dime but we were both compelled to do otherwise. I am still amazed how God orchestrated all the events in order to lead us to them so that He could help them by using our hands. John Bentley was blown away by God's goodness and amazed, once again, how God showed up right on time. He also told me that he would have Lily, a director at Harmony Outreach, who was Chinese, try to speak to the orphanage about Ethan's condition and see if they would allow them to help but not to get my hopes up. That night, as I was praying for Ethan, God gave me the words to this poem:

A Child's Desire
There lies a little boy
Helpless, weak, without a toy
He waits and watches his closed door
Because he knows that there is more

More than these four walls
More than these grieving halls
More than his little bed
More than the food he's fed

He yearns the comfort of loving arms
To protect him from all his harms
To cry at night and be heard
To hear the voice of loving words

To walk and not be faint
To play in sand and finger paint
To run with sisters and a brother
To have a father and a mother

These are the desires of a broken heart
Of a child who has some missing parts
God has heard and sees his plight
And will fulfill with all his might

I would later find out that the orphanage would refuse to give any information to Lily, one of the directors of Harmony Outreach, or allow her to help. Lily asked me to have our adoption agency contact the orphanage and, maybe then, they would be willing to talk to her. Our agency did not think it was a good idea for fear it would damage their relationship with the orphanage. Lily also asked me to forward his medical information and she would have a doctor look at them in China. After reviewing his file, the doctor said that there was no way that he could have surgery. I asked her why but she didn't know. At that point, I also decided to have his medical information reviewed by our own pediatrician. A few days later, he called to tell me that the little boy was in bad shape, was probably having a difficult time breathing and didn't even have the make-up to be able to have a transplant. In a gentle way, he told that he would live a very short life. I was devastated. What was the purpose in all of this?

God spoke to my heart and told me that I was trying to save one but He wanted to save many--helping Harmony Outreach continue to meet the needs of orphans in China. I knew that God had saved Ethan, too. Soon he would be running on streets of gold in heaven playing with other children who had been taken too soon for us to understand. I knew that Ethan would not die alone. God would make sure of it. Not a single sparrow can fall to the ground without God knowing it (Matthew 10:29) and God loved him more than I could ever imagine. He would give him a new heart. He would wipe away ever tear and hold him close to His chest. At that moment, I knew Ethan would be whole, have no more pain and be safe in the arms of God. "He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever" Revelation 21:4 (NLT).

Revelation Song

Filled with wonder, awestruck wonder
At the mention of your name
Jesus your name is power
Breath, and living water
Such a marvelous mystery
lyrics by Jenny Lee Riddle

I would love to tell you that we got right on the process of adopting our fifth child but our focus soon began on getting a new swimming pool. It did not take long before God decided to teach me another lesson through my kids-a lesson of obedience.

It was a day in May of 2009 when I walked into my girl's room to find them making a Christmas List. I was livid. How dare they make a Christmas List when we had just had Christmas and there were so many children in orphanages who didn't even have one toy. I made sure to let them know it then picked up my laundry basket and stomped out. As I am stomping to the laundry room, I am still mumbling to myself, "They have so much stuff that they don't even know what to do with it. I can't believe they made a Christmas List in May." Just when I was thinking that I hope they feel guilty after my speech, God spoke to my heart and said, "You mean like your "List" with a pool on it instead of going to get your child who has no toys in an orphanage in China." I was TOTALLY convicted. "Oh yeah, I see what You are saying" and immediately went back to the girl's room. I told them the Lord had convicted me of doing something similar and so we both need to work on not focusing so much on "things". I told Chris the story. Chris and I both rationalize that we could start both, build a pool and start the adoption process even when we both knew, in our hearts, we wouldn't be able to.

God even gave me a second warning after we went to look at a pool that had a giant waterfall, a 10 person jacuzzi and huge outdoor fireplace. It was GORGEOUS. I told Chris that I would love to have a pool like that-the kind that leaves you awestruck. I felt God speak to my heart that He doesn't want people to look at my pool and be awestruck. He wants people to look at my life, be awestruck by Him and what He is doing through my life. I was totally convicted again and shared it with Chris. We both agreed it was wrong but then rationalized that we couldn't afford an awestruck pool anyway. We would just settle for a pool without all the "bells and whistles". God knew our hearts and allowed us to disobey but we would soon learn that we would suffer the consequences for it. In case, we might question whether the circumstances were consequences, He made sure something happened everyday that related to the pool. First of all, I became neurotic about every detail because we were still spending so much money even without the "bells and whistles". Second of all, something crazy, literally, almost happened everyday. By the end of of the project, hating myself and everyone around me, I finally realized it was time to do what God had called us to do, ask for forgiveness and to obey.

I praise Him that His mercies are new every morning when I fail Him and that He will move heaven and earth to bring a child home despite my selfishness. "Because of the Lords’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness" (Lamentation 3:22-23). I also realized that NOTHING on this earth will leave us awestruck like the wonders and love of God. My children are evidence of His amazing love and how He transformed their lives. "Many, Lord my God, are the wonders You have done, the things You planned for us. None can compare with You; were I to speak and tell of Your deeds, they would be too many to declare" (Psalm 40:5).

"The whole earth is filled with awe

at Your wonders;

where morning dawns, where evening fades,

You call forth songs of joy."

Psalm 65:8

The Voice of Truth

The voice of Truth says "Do not be afraid"
The voice of Truth says "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will chose to listen and believe

the voice of Truth
lyrics by Steven Curtis Chapman/Mark Hall

On April 26, 2009, my only concern was whether God was truly calling us to home school. During a sermon entitled, "How Big Is Your God" by Randy Gravitt, I was begging God to confirm, ONE MORE TIME, what we were suppose to do. Well, He did speak but not in the way I was expecting. Let me go back to the day before. Lili, who was six at the time, had found a Chinese bracelet while we were dusting her room. I told her it was given to me by one of the mothers in our group who had all went to China together when we adopted her. Of course, Lili, who loves jewelry, wanted it. She is very sentimental and keeps every love note or birthday card so you can imagine how much this bracelet meant to her. During the sermon, Lili put the Chinese bracelet on my wrist. At that moment, God spoke to my heart that there were five wooden beads on the bracelet that represented my five children from China. In a split second, I responded, "But I only have four children...." Then I felt God speak to my heart again that He wanted us to go back for the fifth child. I said, "How will I be able to home school if we go back now?" This time there was no answer. I was in shock. Don't get me wrong. I knew we were going back. I just never thought so soon. We had just gotten home with Joseph in July 2008. It had not even been a full year yet.

After the service, I saw a very close friend of mine who was also planning to home school for the first time starting in August of 2009. My friend told me she felt like God had spoken to her during the service that she was going to have another child. She said she told Him, "Then how am I going to home school?" I was totally floored and said, "You are not going to believe this but I felt like God said the same thing to me." I held up my wrist to show her the bracelet. Without explaining anything, she yells, "FIVE beads!" and we both started crying. God is so amazing! You see, my friend has been on this journey with me from the very beginning before I had kids. She is one of my dearest friends who I would cry to when I had felt God saying I was going to have children but I never got pregnant. What I did not know at the time was that He would give me children through adoption and not in the way I expected. Of course, that is how God is. He never does what you imagine. He always does so much more than you imagine. He is the GREATEST storyteller of your life, better than any movie or novel written, and will always keep you wanting more, hanging on to the edge of your seat. "All my days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be" (Psalm 139:16).

I forgot to mention that by the end of the sermon, Randy Gravitt said, "Is God asking you to lay down something and pick something else up?" I knew it was time to lay down my agenda for our family and pick up God's agenda for our family--to home school. I do not believe that He calls every family to home school but only what He believes is best for your family. Chris and I had finally decided to trust God that He knew what was best for our family and just do it. I had tried many times to tell Him that there was NO WAY I could do this. In the past, I had even told people that were going to home school, "God would have to give me a burning bush experience before I would home school." Instead, it burned in my heart. He would not let up. I tried to tell Him what a bad influence I was and that they already had picked up my bad habits. What would happen if they were with me all day? I did not want them to be mini-mes with all my quirks. I felt like God was saying to my heart, "I know you cannot do it. I know you are not perfect but I know you can do it through My strength (Phil 4:13). I am not asking you to be perfect. I am asking you to trust the One who is perfect and point your children to Me. Yes, apart from Me you can do NOTHING. With Me, you can do all things for My glory" (John 15:5-8).

Believe me, God picks people like me, weak and ordinary, so He can show His glory (I Corinthians 1:26-31). Then everyone is saying, "Well, we know Tanya could not do this so it has to be God." Sometimes, I forget that it is God doing it through me. I try to home school in my own strength when I get "too busy" to stop and be still before God. It does not take long before I am in a heap crying saying, "I can't do this!" God is so gentle. He picks me up and shows me a lesson through my son, Joseph. One day, he was crying about something he could not do. I reminded him that he does not have to cry about it. He just needs to say, "Please, help me," and I will help him. I felt God saying to my heart, "That goes for you, too." Instead of crying saying, 'I can't do this,' just say 'God, please help me,' the next time you are having a hard time." It made me laugh. I never could understand why Joseph would just cry in frustration instead of asking for help when I was right there beside him. God was letting me know that He is also right there beside me every moment of the day. All I need to do is ask Him for help. "He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak" (Isaiah 40:29).

On the ride home, I told Chris everything that had happened during and after the service. He told me that he also felt God was speaking to him about the same things during the service. After God had revealed Himself in such a HUGE way, we decided we would move forward to home school and also start the process of adopting our fifth child. There were so many fears and insecurities in my head that day but I had to make a choice---to listen to the voice of Truth and believe that God is so much bigger than my weaknesses. "I am the way, the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.....And I will ask the Father and He will give you another Counselor to be with you forever--the Spirit of truth (Holy Sprit)" (John 14:6,16-17).