Your Love

 

Your love is enough to light up the darkness
It’s Your love,

Your love,

All I ever needed is Your love

(Lyrics by Brandon Heath and Jason Ingram)

(Photo: Mom and Dad (aka Mimi and Poppy)

 

Mom’s oncologist told her that she would be put to sleep for the bone marrow biopsy that was scheduled on Tuesday, September 18, 2012. We both sighed in great relief and told him how thankful we were because the last biopsy was so painful for my mom especially since she has a compressed fracture in her lumbar spine due to the cancer. I guess from our reaction, he didn’t have the heart to finish his sentence which was that it was going to be a twilight sleep like the last time. In fact, we did not find out that she would be awake during the biopsy until the nurse was prepping mom for the procedure. At the time, my dad and I thought the nurse had the wrong information but soon realized that she was right. Of course, I didn’t even want to look at my mom because I thought she would be in a panic but when I finally had the courage to, she looked totally at peace. The nurse then informed us that that the doctor who would be performing the procedure would be in to have my mom sign a consent form and that we could ask any questions that we might have. Mom told us that she was okay and not to say anything about it to the doctor. I told her we would not but that I wanted to pray for her. I prayed, “God, please keep my mom from having any pain during the biopsy instead may she laugh today, belly laugh.” After I prayed, I wondered why in the world did I just ask God to make my mom belly laugh today right before she is going in for a bone marrow biopsy where she will not be put to sleep? Maybe I was the one who was suppose to be put to sleep.

A few minutes later, the doctor enters our area and introduces himself as Dr. STONE!!!!! If you read my previous blog entry, you would find that funny. I LOVE God’s sense of humor. After the doctor spoke with my mom, Lisa, the nurse who would be taking care of mom during the biopsy, came in and told me that she was going to take care of her and that she was going to make sure that she was not in any pain. I hugged her because I knew that God had sent Dr. Stone and her to let us know that He was taking care of everything. When my mom was wheeled away, I heard her laughing with the nurse and this is without any drugs at this point. An hour later, after the biopsy was over, my mom returned with her eyes closed, like she was ASLEEP, but with a SMILE on her face from ear to ear. I wish I would have taken a picture of it. It was hilarious! 

Later, I went and got my mom’s friends, Susan Rine and Joni Owens, who were waiting in the lobby so they could come and see her. We started talking about different things and we just kept laughing, belly laughing, including mom.  After mom’s friends left, the nurse who was getting Mom ready to leave the hospital laughed and said, “The nurses sent me in here to send you guys home because you all are having too much fun!” We laughed again.

When mom got home after the procedure, she did incredible. It was almost like we had never been to the hospital. Last time, mom was in great pain and it took several days to recover. Later that day, I called back to check on her and we laughed again about the things that were said and done at the hospital. It was not until that moment that I realized that God had answered my prayer because I had just been so relieved and amazed that Mom was not in a lot of pain from the procedure. God answered that prayer and did more than I could have ever imagined. He made my mom belly laugh on a day that she should have been in a lot of pain. “She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future” (Proverbs 31:25).

　
I forgot to mention that mom said that another doctor ended up performing the procedure and not Dr. Stone. It did not matter because I knew that God has used him to bring comfort to us before mom ever stepped into surgery. He was letting us know, once again, that He goes before us and that He is the Great Physician, Jehovah Rapha, the God who heals. His love, His amazing love, lights up our darkness and makes us laugh, belly laugh.
　
 

“The LORD, my God,

lights up my darkness.”

Psalm 18:28

 

King of Glory

His name is Jesus, precious Jesus,
The Lord Almighty, King of my heart,

The King of glory.

(lyrics by Mac Powell/music by Third Day)

(photo: 5 smooth stones)
 

"As you come to Him, the living STONE,--rejected by men

but chosen by God and precious to Him--

you are also, like living stones,

are being built in to a spiritual house."
 I Peter 2:4-5a

 

Dr. Bender, my mom’s oncologist, confirmed last week that mom did have multiple myeloma which meant that Mom had to learn about multiple drugs and make multiple appointments for MRI, bone marrow biopsy, chemotherapy and radiation. All and all, it was a mentally and emotionally exhausting day for my mom. And yet, we were so thankful to God that Dr. Bender told us that it was treatable and that he wanted to act quickly to get the cancer in remission. In fact, Mom’s bone marrow biopsy will be on Tuesday, September 18, 2012, at 9:00 a.m. Please be praying for her. Your prayers have meant so much to her and to our whole family.

On that same night, as soon as we got home, before we could even get our of the car, a man hands Chris a Summons in a Civil Action Suit involving a former employee. As Chris handed it to me, I told the kids to go inside and get ready for bed. As I began to read the lies and what they were asking for, I fell to the ground in fear and cried, “I can’t do this anymore.” Chris grabs my arm and yells, “That’s enough! Get up and stop crying!” I got up but decided to take my party to a new location, my bedroom closet, so that the kids would not see me. With the lights out, I fell to floor and cried again, “God, I can’t do this anymore. I need your help!” It was funny because I felt like God was saying to me, “That’s enough! Get up and stop crying!” and to my amazement, at that moment, I got up and stopped crying. “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD, your GOD goes with you; HE will never leave you nor forsake you” (Deut 31:6).  I still have my moments but, praise GOD, I am still standing in His strength.

This year has been a hard year, a year of tears. There seem to be a different "trial" every morning that would then wake me up every evening and paralyzed me with fear of the future. I would love to tell you that I have stood on the promises of God but instead I have walked around crying in fear that our “enemy” would destroy us even though God has shown His faithfulness in every circumstance that we have faced in this past year. Recently, while I was telling my children the familiar Bible story of David and Goliath in I Samuel 17, I suddenly realized that I was acting like the Israelite army who was paralyzed with fear that the enemy was going to destroy them. Goliath, a Philistine champion who was over nine feet tall, taunted GOD’s people, the Israelite army, “every morning and evening." He wanted the Israelite army to give him a man so they could fight each other. "IF HE IS ABLE to fight and kill me, we will become your subjects; but if I OVERCOME him, you will become our subjects and serve us" (verse 9). Before there was ever a battle, the Israelite army became slaves of fear, the enemy’s greatest tactic, as they were left “dismayed and terrified” each day (verse 11, 16). You see, Goliath means “great” and I believe that he represents great fear brought by the enemy in our lives. In fact, when David walked up to deliver food from his father to his brothers in battle, he hears Goliath’s "usual defiance” and wants to remove "this disgrace" but when Israelite army hears it again, they all ran from Goliath in "great fear" (verse 24).

David went to Saul, who was king, even though his brothers thought he was just being conceited, and told him, “LET NO ONE LOSE HEART on account of this Philistine; your servant will go and fight him.” Saul replied, “You are not able to go out against this Philistine and fight him; You are only a boy, and he has been a fighting man from his youth” (verse 26, 33). David told Saul, “The LORD delivered me from the paw of the lion and the paw of the bear. HE will deliver me from the hand of this Philistine.” Saul said to David, “Go, and the LORD be with you" (verse 37).  He also tried to dress David in his own armor but David said,” I cannot go in these because I am not used to them” and took them off (verse 39). Instead, David "took his staff in his hand, chose five smooth stones from the stream, put them in the pouch of his shepherd’s bag and, with his sling in his hand, approached the Philistine" (verse 40). When Goliath looked him over and saw that he was “ONLY a  boy, he despised him, mocked him, cursed him and told him he was going to kill him (verse 42).

David said,” You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you IN THE NAME OF THE LORD ALMIGHTY, THE GOD OF THE ARMIES OF ISRAEL, whom you have defied. This day the LORD will hand you over to me, and I’ll strike you down and cut off your head. Today I will give the carcasses of the Philistine army to the birds of the air and the beasts of the earth, and the WHOLE WORLD WILL KNOW THERE IS A GOD IN ISRAEL. All those gathered here will know that it is not by sword or spear that the LORD SAVES; FOR THE BATTLE IS THE LORD’S and HE will give all of you into our hands" (verses 45-47). As Goliath "moved closer to attack him, David ran quickly toward the battle line to meet him. Reaching into his bag and taking out A STONE, he slung it and struck the Philistine on the forehead. The stone sank in his forehand and he fell facedown on the ground" (verses 48-49). David used Goliath’s sword to cut off his head. "When the Philistines saw that their hero was dead, they turned and ran" (verse 51). Then Saul asked the commander of his army, “WHOSE SON IS THAT YOUNG MAN?” When the commander didn’t know, Saul said, “Find out whose son this young man is.” When asked, David replied, “I am the son of your servant Jesse of Bethlehem" (verses 55-56, 58).

Today, as believers in CHRIST, we are fighting an enemy that is trying to keep us paralyzed with great fear of the future because he knows his future when CHRIST returns and has great fear of it. “And the devil, who deceived them, was thrown into the lake of burning sulfur, where the beast and the false prophet had been thrown. They will be tormented DAY and NIGHT for ever and ever”(Revelation 20:10). This is why the devil is trying to deceive GOD’s people and trying to torment them day and night through fear in order to defeat them. But as my good friend reminded me when I felt defeated, “The Battle has already been won; we just have to believe it.” JESUS CHRIST was despised, mocked and "rejected by men but chosen by GOD" to redeem us from the curse as HE died for our sins and took our place. Three days later, an angel of the Lord rolled back the stone and the living STONE came out of the tomb, hitting the enemy square between the eyes and causing him to be facedown at HIS feet. “HE disarmed the spiritual rulers and authorities and shamed them publicly by HIS VICTORY over them on the cross” (I Peter 2:4, Col 2:15)

JESUS said, “In this world you will have trouble. But TAKE HEART! I have overcome the world” (John 16:33). We overcome the enemy because of what JESUS did and by the “word of our testimony” as we let the whole world know there is no GOD besides Him (Rev 12:11). When we are afraid, HE wants us to trust in HIM not become slaves of fear (Psalm 56:3). JESUS “came to set the captives free” and “when the SON sets you free, you are free indeed” (Isaiah 61:1, John 8:36). “HIS perfect love drives out fear“, great fear in our lives (I John 4:18). We need to remember that HE delivered us from our past circumstances and HE will deliver us in this “battle” we face now. May we be strong IN THE LORD, standing IN HIS STRENGTH, and always keep on praying IN THE NAME OF THE LORD ALMIGHTY. May we never forget that JESUS is the Word and the Word is the "Sword of the Spirit" to cut off the head of the enemy (Eph 6:10-18; John 1:1, 14). When the enemy tries to remind you that you are not able, say out loud, but JESUS IS ABLE “to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to HIS power that is at work within us" (Eph 3:20). Don’t believe the lies of the enemy, that you are only a boy or girl, only a man or woman, only a father or mother, only a grandfather or grandmother. "NO, in all these things we are more than conquerors THROUGH CHRIST" (Romans 8:37). Believe this,” Yet to all received HIM, to those who believed in HIS name, HE gave the right to become children of GOD” (John 1:12). When people want to know after the "battle" is over, “Whose son or daughter that is?” Tell them, I am a child of God THROUGH JESUS CHRIST, the KING of glory. “Who is this KING of glory? The LORD strong and mighty, the LORD mighty in battle. HE IS the KING OF GLORY” (Psalm 24:8, 10).

He Said

 

I won't give you more, more than you can take

And I might let you bend, but I won't let you break

And No, I'll never ever let you go

Don't you forget what He said

(lyrics by Group1Crew)

 

For several years, my dad was having frequent deja vu along with memory problems.  I was hoping that there was a simple explanation.  Anything would do except for what the doctors were leaning toward.  In the summer of 2011, the doctors confirmed the diagnosis and mom tried to gently give me the news as she was also suffering inside.  The news that she came to know, little by little, day by day, as the disease slowly progressed.  I had been in denial and made it clear by my actions that I didn't want to hear of any "episodes" that were happening with dad.  Selfishly, I wanted to build a wall up to protect my heart from the thought of losing my dad.  On June 5, 2011, my ears were finally open to hear my mom say the words I had dreaded for so long, "The doctor said your dad has Alzheimer's."  A cry so deep, so raw came from the depth of my soul and shattered my heart into tiny pieces.  I wanted to pick up the pieces and put the wall back together to protect my heart but it was too late.  The pieces were too shattered and I could not begin to fit it back together.  My heart was so open, so exposed.  Could this really be happening?

After getting off the phone with my mom, I went outside to join Chris and the kids who were swimming in the pool in order to "drown my sorrows."  I picked Ian up in my arms and got on a float in the pool.  We had only been home for six months from China after adopting him in December 2010 and the pool was not his favorite thing.  He was terrified of the water even if you were holding him.  He preferred to stay on the ledge.  As I was sitting on the float, holding him close, Ian was screaming, full of fear.  I told him, "Ian it is okay.  I am right here.  You don't need to be afraid.  I am not going to let anything hurt you."  I felt God speak to my heart, "That is what I am trying to tell you.  You can see that nothing is going to happen to Ian but he doesn't see that.  All he can see is his circumstances and they look scary.  Even though you know that everything  is okay.  He doesn't and you are asking him to trust you as you hold him tight."  I told God, "I don't understand how this is not going to  hurt me." He said, "Ian can't either.  You just have to trust Me."  Even though I wanted to join Ian and cry out that I wanted off this "float" and put back on the "ledge" where it is safe, I knew that I would have to trust the One who loved and created me.  "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.  For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior" (Isaiah 43:2-3).  I would not throw my son into the waters and allow the waters to engulf him and neither would God allow "the waters" to overtake me. He would be with me as I passed through them.

One year later, on July 20, 2012, after taking swimming lessons with Miss Betsy Willis, Ian had a swim recital along with his brother, Joseph.  He would have to "dive" off the diving board and swim to the side in order to receive his "gold" medal. As I watched him walk up to the diving board, I thought my heart would burst with pride because I knew how afraid he had been of the water.  When he dove in and swam to the side, I clapped my hands and yelled louder than anybody.  At that moment, God showed me that just like I didn't remove the water from Ian but allowed him to learn lessons that would equip him to go "through the waters," God was doing the same with me and my family.  On August 31, 2012, my dad and mom went to the doctor again.  This time, it was not for my dad but my mom who had been complaining of back and stomach pain.  They were there to get the results of the CT scan.  I called my dad's cell phone to find out what the doctor had said and my mom answered sobbing. I cried out, "What's wrong?" and she answered through tears, "I have cancer."  There were no tears at first, just complete shock.  How could mom have cancer when Dad has Alzheimer's?  Aren't there "rules" about this?

The doctor told my mom that they would try to get her in to see a Hematology Oncologist that day.  Mom wanted me to go to the doctor with her and meet at her house.   When I got there, I asked God to help me to be strong in His power.  At first, I started asking questions.  With each answer, the tears would stream down my face.  I boldly prayed over my mom but then cried like a little child longing for her mother when it was over.  I wanted so desperately to be strong for my mom.  She even asked, "How am I suppose to take care of your dad if I am sick?"  We both cried because we didn't have the answers.  Later, God revealed to me that I had asked him for me to be the strong one in the family for my mom but He chose someone else to show His glory and power.....my dad.  You see, when my mom and I were having that conversation, Dad was DRIVING to Wal-mart to pick up her prescription in order to take care of HER.  When I got ready to leave, my dad stood at the window of  my van and told me, "I have been through this with my dad and my brother.  We just need to take the next step and get her treatment."  He was so strong as he said it, strong in the Lord. 

Over this past year, I have fasted and prayed for God to heal my dad.  God revealed to me that sometimes He answers in a way we don't expect.   I wanted God to instantly heal my dad but God wanted to show His power and glory by bringing him "through" it.  God's answer, His miracle, was just when we fully expected to be taking care of my dad, my dad was taking care of my mom.  God's ways and thoughts are so must bigger than ours.  He always does so much more than we can ever imagine. 

Today, I don't know what the future holds but I do know Who holds the future.  He will never forsake us.  He will never let us go.  He is the Miracle we long for.  He is the Answer to any problem we face.  He will equip us to go through "the waters" in order to come through the other side so our "faith—more valuable than gold, which perishes though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory, and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ" (I Peter 1:6-7).  The enemy wants us to break but may we break out in songs of joy for the God who will not allow us to break.  May we rejoice in what God will do in us, through us and never forget what He said.  

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;

 I have summoned you by name;

you are Mine."

Isaiah 43:1b



 



Until the Whole World Hears

May the powers of darkness tremble

as our praises rise,

Until the whole world hears

Lord we are calling out,

Lifting up Your name

for all to hear the sound!

lyrics by R. Glidewell, John Mark Hall; Bernie Herms, Jason Mcarthur

Photo: Our first family photo with all seven of us

standing in His strength.

,

On the same day from the hospital, I made an appointment with our pediatrician because Ian was starting to wheeze but had no fever and was sleeping through the night. I had told the nurse that we needed an appointment for later in the afternoon because my husband was coming home from the hospital that morning. When we arrived, our pediatrician asked about Chris and I told him we were just so glad to be home. Then he listened to Ian's lungs, leaned up and told me that we needed to have his chest x-rayed to make sure that he didn't have pneumonia. I couldn't believe it and started crying. I feared that we were going back to the hospital, this time with Ian. I was calling everyone asking them to pray for Ian as I was walking to the Radiology Department. Praise God, the x-rays revealed that it was bronchitis and not pneumonia. He would have to take an antibiotic and do breathing treatments but our peditrician said that this should clear his lungs.

Before Ian's doctor appointment, I had tried to get Chris' pain medicine filled at our pharmacy. They told me that we had never been there and that I would need Chris' insurance card. We had been getting our prescriptions filled there since our oldest, Sami, was a baby and she is nine now. I didn't have our insurance card with me so I had to go back home to get it but now I didn't have time to get it filled until after Ian's doctor appointment. After Ian's doctor appointment, I returned with the insurance card and they told me that we were denied because we were probably not insured any longer. I completely panicked because we had been out of the country for so long and wonder if something had happened with our health insurance that I didn't know about. My mind is racing, "Did I pay the insurance bill before we left for China? We are financially ruined because Chris has been in the hospital for six days and we have no insurance." I called our insurance company on my cell phone and Ian decides it was a perfect time to do his business for the day. I would have waited a few minutes to change it but the smell was starting to linger at the pharmacy desk. Most people checking out at the pharmacy are already sick so I didn't want to make matters worse. I decided to take him to the van and change his diaper. I still had everything in the van from when we had left the hospital so it was a little crowded in the van for a diaper change. At this point, I am on the phone with the insurance company, maneuvering things around to change his diaper inside the van because it is cold outside, getting a little claustrophobic and God gives me the verse, you "are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed" (I Corinthians 4:8-9). PRAISE GOD, minutes later, I did find out from our health insurance that we were insured. I went back in the pharmacy to tell them the news and they informed me that they didn't have the pain medicine Chris was prescribed. God must have been holding me around the waist to keep me from jumping over the counter and tackling the whole pharmaceutical staff at that moment.

I then took Chris' prescriptions, across the street, to another pharmacy to have them filled. Everything went fine and then I drove back to the other pharmacy where Ian's prescription had already been sent electronically from our pediatrician. The pharmacy then informed me that Ian did not have insurance. I told them that I had faxed and mailed all the documentation over to our insurance company last week. I called our insurance company again, this time they told me that Ian had insurance but it did not begin until the beginning of the year. I told her that it is suppose to be effective on the date of the adoption. She put me on hold to find out what I already knew was correct. I was using the pharmacy's phone which was not cordless, trying to jungle Ian and answering phone calls on my cell phone. It got so crazy that I meant to hang up my cell phone and hung up with the insurance company instead. At that point, I decided to just pay for Ian's medicine and figure it out later.

When I finally made it back home, it was 6:30 p.m. and I thought everything was finally over. As soon as I walked in the door, Chris tells me that he needs to talk to me in the bedroom.When we get to the bedroom, Chris lifts up his shirt and his whole right side is totally swollen, bright red and very warm from the top of his rib cage to halfway down his leg. I call Chris' Mom crying trying to explain the situation to her and begged her to come over and look at it. Then I call Dr. Winger's answering service to ask him what to do. He calls back to tell us that it sounds like an infection and wants Chris to take his new antibiotic. I was shocked that Chris had an infection because he had been given antibiotics intravenously, day and night, the entire time he had been in the hospital. I joked that Chris would not get sick for the next five years because he had so much antibiotics inside of him. Of course, we barely made it home before he had an infection. Praise God, the new antibiotic worked and we could see a huge difference by the next day.

I know that through all of this, the enemy meant this for evil but I also know that God can always turn everything around for His glory. "Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand" (Ephesians 6:10-13). The enemy loves it when he knocks our feet out from under us. "Do not gloat over me my enemy though I have fallen, I will rise" (Micah 8:1).

We just celebrate the birth of our Savior who died on the cross for our sins so that whoever believes in Him would have eternal life. The enemy tried everything he could to destroy Him. In the end, Jesus was rejected by His own people, betrayed by a friend, abandoned by his disciples when arrested, beaten beyond recognition, flogged almost to point of death, and nailed to a cross as though He was a thief or murderer. The Jews did not want the bodies left on the crosses during the Sabbath and "asked Pilate to hasten their deaths by ordering that their legs be broken and then their bodies could be taken down. Then the soldiers came and broke the legs of the two men crucified with Jesus. But when they came to Jesus, they saw that He was dead already, so they didn't break his legs. These things happened in fulfillment of the Scriptures that say, "Not one of his bones will be broken," (John 19:31-33, 36). I love that God would not allow Jesus legs to be broken. Even in death and on the cross, He was the only One left standing. I believe it was to show that He was standing in our place, bearing our sins upon him. On the third day, I wish I could have seen the enemy's face when Jesus stood up again, brought the enemy to his knees in defeat and "shamed them publicly by His victory over them on the cross" (Colossians 2:15).

Because of His victory, I can stand firm against the enemy, not by my strength or might but by His Spirit (Zechariah 4:6). Through these past weeks, we have felt like we have been "tortured" by the enemy physically, emotionally and mentally. Every time we were knocked down by the enemy, God's always let me see that we were still standing through His goodness and grace. In the end, all the enemy did was make me want to praise God for what a personal and powerful God He is. I will continue to shout until the whole world hears what He did on the cross for us, that He lives and pursues you in order that you made know Him. "I will sing of the Lord’s great love forever; with my mouth I will make your faithfulness known through all generations. I will declare that your love stands firm forever" (Psalm 89:1-2).

You're Not Alone

You're not alone for I am here

Let me wipe away every fear

I've never left your side

I have seen you through the darkest night

lyrics by Meredith Andrews

Photo: Confetti (snow) from Heaven to celebrate Jesus' Birthday on Christmas Night.

Praise God!!! Chris did finally passed something through his intestines and was able to hold down food. On Tuesday, December 21, 2010, we were able to leave the hospital. It was so good to be back at home and the kids were thrilled to see him. Even though Ian was happy to see Chris, you could tell he was mad at his daddy for "leaving" him. He was definitely giving him the cold shoulder for most of the day. When Chris was still in the hospital, I had taken the kids up to the hospital for about twenty minutes one day to see him. Ian probably thought Chris was in a hotel like in China instead of coming home to see him. I could also relate because I had felt like God was on vacation when Chris was put in the hospital when we just got back from China.

Later that day, Chris was sitting in the living room and Ian walked by and threw something at him. He was not playing around. I would tell Ian "no" and put him in time out for two minutes in his crib. As soon as Ian was out, he would pick up another toy or book and throw it at Chris. He would always pick up something heavy and it always landed on Chris' stomach. The process repeated itself until Chris finally spanked his hand. Chris barely touch him but Ian's heart broke in two. He fell to the ground and wailed. I knew that he was crying because he didn't understand why Chris had left him for so long and he was hurt. While Ian was still crying, Chris put his arms around him and kissed him. Ian looked up at him and stopped crying. At that moment, Ian knew that his daddy still loved him. I only wished Ian could have known how hard Chris has pushed himself to get home to them. It also made me realize how hard my heavenly Father had worked this past week to make me see that He was there the whole time, had never left my side and that He loved me. "The LORD Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged" (Deuteronomy 31:8).

The Joy of the Lord

The joy of the Lord will be my strength

He will uphold me all of my days

I am surrounded by mercy and grace

The joy of the Lord is my strength

lyrics by Twilia Paris

Photo: Our family celebrating Jesus' Birthday.

Chris did make it through the entire hour and half gallbladder test laying flat on his back without any pain medicine and without throwing up. The test revealed what Chris has been saying the entire year. Chris' gallbladder was functioning only at one percent. Dr. Winger decided to remove his gallbladder and do a laparoscopic surgery to find out what was causing the blockage because he didn't think that the two had anything to do with the other. The next morning, Friday, December 17, 2010, the day of surgery, Chris' mom came to the hospital along with Susan Rine, my mom's best friend. Susan kept us laughing the whole time so it seemed like time flew by. She also told me that on her way to the hospital, she reminded God that He cared for the birds of the air and so how much more He cared for Chris. As she was driving, she asked God to show her a bird as she was looking in the trees along the side of the road. All of a sudden, a very plain, uncolorful bird flew directly in front of her windshield. She knew that it was God confirming to her that if He cared for a bird that the world would not notice, how much more would He care for Chris.

When Dr. Winger finally came out of surgery, the first thing he said was that Chris was okay and I was so thankful. He also said that when they first opened Chris up that their hearts dropped because they thought he had cancer but found no masses or cancer. Dr. Winger showed us a photo of the blocked area and it, literally, looked like someone had skinned that section of his intestines because it was so red and raw looking. Chris' mom had to explain everything later to me because I didn't hear anything after Dr. Winger said that Chris would probably have to stay in the hospital for five to six days. It felt like a punch to the gut. I couldn't believe that we had just gotten back from China after spending eighteen days away from our kids and now we were going to have to stay in the hospital for almost a week. I wanted to break down right there in the floor but didn't only by the grace of God. Dr. Winger had also mentioned that because the intestines were so inflamed that he had also nicked Chris' intestines causing a small hole. They decided to clamp that area to stitch later, continue with the surgery and make a five inch incision near his belly button in order to take care of the blockage. Later, we learned that bile had leak into his body because of the small hole. Praise God that the nick happened near Chris' stomach rather than the colon where there is not as much bacteria. Dr. Winger also told us that Chris would not be able to have anything by mouth, not even ice, until his intestines started working properly again. I learned that anytime you have surgery or trauma to your intestines, your intestines becomes paralyzed and, after time, they will slowly start moving and functioning again. In other words, until Chris passed anything through his intestines, he would not be allowed to have anything by mouth and we would not be able to go home. I knew how close it was to Christmas and I could not even imagine spending more than six days in the hospital. Before Dr. Winger left, he told us that Chris would have a tube up his nose, going down his throat and into his stomach to drain anything that was left into his intestines for at least two days.

After we kept waiting to see Chris, they finally told us to go to Chris' room in the hospital and they would bring him to us. Chris' surgery was at 10:00 a.m., they were done at 12:30 p.m. but he didn't make it to his room until almost 5:00 p.m. I would later find out that he had tachycardia (150 BPM) from the anesthesia. When they finally brought Chris up to me, I was not prepared for how he looked with the tube coming out of his nose. I was surprised that I was able to hold back the tears. The only thing Chris kept complaining about was how dry his throat was and how the tube hurt his throat. We didn't have the heart to tell him that he would have to have it in for two days which I knew would seem like two weeks. About an hour later, to our surprise, the nurse came in and said that Dr. Winger was having her remove the tube going down his throat. I couldn't believe it and busted out crying. Later, Dr. Winger told us that he was able to see the x-rays done after surgery at home (x-rays are computerized now). He said that he saw that the tube was curled at the bottom of his stomach and that it was not working properly so he decided to have it removed. What a wonderful doctor! God is so good!

During our stay, Chris was not able to have any water by mouth. He was allowed to dip small sponges attached to straws into water and place them in his mouth but he could not swallow the water. It was really torture to watch this go on for almost 4 days. He also was not able to sleep because of them constantly checking his vital signs as well as giving him antibiotics around the clock. I would stay with Chris through the day then go home at dinner time to put the kids to bed. Some nights, I would tell my mom I was going to take a thirty minute nap and I would lay in the floor of our bedroom. I knew better than to fall asleep on my bed because I would never wake up. God allowed me to have these little naps so I could think clearly to do payroll for our business one night and also to be able to drive back to hospital without falling asleep. One night before I left to go back to hospital, I read an email from a close friend that she felt like God had given her the verse, "The joy of the Lord is my strength", over and over again concerning us. My friend told me that she knew that I prayed it over Ian but she felt that the Lord had wanted her to pray this over us even before she knew we were in the hospital. Once she learned that Chris was in the hospital, she felt like the Lord wanted her to share the verse with me. She said she hesitated for several days because she felt that it would be insensitive to give me the verse, "The joy of the Lord is my strength" when we were in the hospital. Finally, God would not let up so she decided to send it to me. When I received her email, I knew that the joy of the Lord is my strength did not mean what I had always thought-to have the joy of the Lord on my face as I was going through this and, by doing so, this would give me strength. I told God that I wanted to "see" and "feel" what the "joy of the Lord is my strength" looks like.

That same night at the hospital, Chris woke up in pain, telling me that he felt like he was going insane from being in the room and was afraid we would never get out of there . The doctor had encouraged him earlier to walk the hospital because it can help the intestines to start to move but Chris was in so much pain from surgery that he could barely walk. I just sat there on my little sofa bed in hospital and didn't say a word. I was too exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally to even encourage him. All I could pray was, "God, please help us." Another close friend told me that God had woken her up to pray for us at that exact time. About thirty minutes later, we tried to go back to bed but Chris yells out that he thinks he has bowel sounds. I leaped from my bed and put my ear to his stomach. When I heard the noises in his stomach, I shouted, "THANK YOU, GOD!" Chris immediately wanted to get out of bed and walk the hospital so that things would continue to move. It was 4:00 a.m. but Chris was ready to roll. Earlier, I could not even get off the bed and now I was ready to do sprints around the hospital. At that moment, God said, "This is what the joy of the Lord looks like." I realized that our circumstances had not changed, that we were still in the hospital, Chris still had not passed anything through his intestines but he had given us joy at that moment so that we would have the strength, His strength, to move forward in the battle. He would show many more "the joy of the Lord is my strength" moments as you prayed and fasted for Chris' healing, emailed prayer teams, visited us in the hospital, prayed for us in the middle of the night, sent us words of encouragement, brought food to the hospital, bought me lunch at the hospital, prepared meals to feed our family, delivered payroll checks to our employees, brought little gifts to Chris to encourage him, took our trash to the curb, cleaned our pool, took care of our yard in the bitter cold which all helped my parents, who I am so thankful for, to be able to take care of my children. Thank you for allowing God to use your time, your words, your hands and feet to give us strength when we were so weak. "Your love has given me great joy and encouragement" (Philemon 1:7).

Trust In Me

I know that the questions are real

And the fears that you feel are strong

Still My heart is longing for you to try Me

You've got to trust in Me

lyrics by Charles Billingsley

Photo: The kids visit Chris at the hospital.

On Wednesday, December 15, 2010, I had to take Sami to the doctor to get her eyes checked. She had been telling me that she could not see clearly at a distance. I had made the appointment months before we had gone to China. Now I was wondering why I had scheduled it so soon after we returned from China. I could barely keep my eyes open so I decided I would read a book that I had received, Tortured for Christ, while we were waiting. This book definitely woke me up because it was about the life of Richard Wurmbrand who endured physical, mental and emotional torture during his imprisonments in his homeland of Romania for telling others about the love of Jesus Christ. While imprisoned, he would tell the other prisoners about Jesus even if it meant that he would be beaten and tortured with hot iron pokers or by other cruel means. He was also practically starved to death by only being allowed to have one piece a bread a WEEK. Many times, he would give his bread to someone who was suffering more than him. He also told how some of his torturers would tell him that they were the devil and have such joy as he cried out in pain. What was remarkable was that Richard would endure all of this and still have a strong desire to preach the gospel to others so that they might know Christ. I told God I didn't understand it. After reading how they were horrifically tortured, I just could not comprehend how Richard and so many others in the book had a desire to still continue to tell others about the love of Jesus Christ. I would soon learn that night that God would show me just a glimpse of how this was possible.

By that afternoon, I could hardly function since I had been up with Ian in the middle of the night again. I told Chris that I was going to take a thirty minute nap before we went to his mom's house for dinner. Chris never woke me up and took the kids himself to his mom's house. I woke up five hours later after hearing the kids return and couldn't believe that I had slept so long. Chris told me that he felt sick at his stomach so I went ahead and put the kids to bed. Within a few hours, Chris was on the bathroom floor in serious pain. When Chris mentioned that he wanted to go to the ER, I knew he had to be in some severe pain. Late that evening, I called my parents to come over to watch the kids. When we got to the ER, Chris' pain intensified even more and I was so thankful that this was not happening in China. They immediately brought him back to draw blood and had him drink a contrast in order for him to have a CT Scan. After he drank the solution, he had to wait two hours before he could have the CT Scan. They gave him pain medicine that was stronger than morphine so he could sleep. Chris' whole body relaxed then he slowly passed out. It was one o'clock in the morning and I thanked God for allowing me to be able to take such a long nap that day or I would have been in the bed beside him. While we were waiting, I remembered that I had left the book, Tortured for Christ, in my van. I decided to read it while Chris was asleep. As I was reading it, I looked up at Chris who was sleeping now. He had been in so much pain like he was being "tortured". I knew this was no accident that all this was happening right after we got back from China. We had been praising God for all He had done in our lives and there was no way that the enemy was going to allow it. He always tries to break your spirit and steal your joy so that you will no longer have the strength or the desire to want to praise God and tell others of His amazing love.

After the two hour waiting period, Chris went to have the CT Scan and the nurse told me that it should take only a hour for the results. Two hours later, I questioned why we had not received the results. The nurse told me that a surgeon had been called but that was all she could tell us. Finally, the surgeon, Dr. Winger, came in the room and told us that Chris had a blockage in his intestines but they had no idea what was causing the blockage. Chris mentioned that he had been having problems with his gallbladder but that the doctor he had been seeing had performed several tests and insisted that it was not his gallbladder. Dr. Winger decided to run a very thorough test on Chris' gallbladder but he would have to be off pain medicine for 4 hours. This was HUGE because Chris was in incredible pain. Dr. Winger also decided to have him admitted into the hospital that morning. During the next four hours, Chris threw up several times because of the pain but, by the grace of God, he made it and was ready to take the test. Because Chris was in a lot of pain, I wanted to be with him when he went down to have the test. The nurse told me that they would be coming to get him in a few minutes. I wanted to get a Sprite because I was so thirsty but I didn't have any cash on me. The cafeteria was downstairs and I could use my credit card but I knew I would not make it back in time before they took Chris for his test. I was hoping that I could scrape up enough change in my purse to get a Sprite from the Coke machine on our floor of the hospital. Every time I would questioned God about why He was allowing this to happen when we had just gotten back from China, He would say, "Trust Me." I decided that I was going to start by trusting God to give me something to drink before we had to go down to take the test. I thought maybe when I got to the Coke machine, I would have some change hidden in my purse that didn't know about. When I got there, I dropped my purse and began to search frantically for change. After I searched every nook and cranny of my purse, I stood up, stomped my foot like a little child and told God silently, "I knew it. You told me to trust You. You own the entire Universe and I can't even get a Sprite to drink." At that moment, a man enters and says, "Do you want to buy a drink?" and hands me two dollars. I am holding the two dollars in my hand and I am in total shock. I told the man, "You don't have to do that." He said, "Don't' worry about it. I want to buy you a drink." I could hardly talk trying to hold back the tears but I was able to say, "Thank you!" I looked at the Coke machine. It had Cokes in cans for seventy-five cents but the Sprites were in bottles and cost a dollar and twenty-five cents. God had the man give me two dollars so I was able to buy a Sprite. I was so overwhelmed with God's love for me. He was showing me that I could trust Him even for a Sprite to drink so how much more could I trust Him with Chris and all my other fears.

"My heart trusts in Him, and I am helped.

My heart leaps for joy and

I will give thanks to Him in song."

Psalm 28:6-7