He Said

 

I won't give you more, more than you can take

And I might let you bend, but I won't let you break

And No, I'll never ever let you go

Don't you forget what He said

(lyrics by Group1Crew)

 

For several years, my dad was having frequent deja vu along with memory problems.  I was hoping that there was a simple explanation.  Anything would do except for what the doctors were leaning toward.  In the summer of 2011, the doctors confirmed the diagnosis and mom tried to gently give me the news as she was also suffering inside.  The news that she came to know, little by little, day by day, as the disease slowly progressed.  I had been in denial and made it clear by my actions that I didn't want to hear of any "episodes" that were happening with dad.  Selfishly, I wanted to build a wall up to protect my heart from the thought of losing my dad.  On June 5, 2011, my ears were finally open to hear my mom say the words I had dreaded for so long, "The doctor said your dad has Alzheimer's."  A cry so deep, so raw came from the depth of my soul and shattered my heart into tiny pieces.  I wanted to pick up the pieces and put the wall back together to protect my heart but it was too late.  The pieces were too shattered and I could not begin to fit it back together.  My heart was so open, so exposed.  Could this really be happening?

After getting off the phone with my mom, I went outside to join Chris and the kids who were swimming in the pool in order to "drown my sorrows."  I picked Ian up in my arms and got on a float in the pool.  We had only been home for six months from China after adopting him in December 2010 and the pool was not his favorite thing.  He was terrified of the water even if you were holding him.  He preferred to stay on the ledge.  As I was sitting on the float, holding him close, Ian was screaming, full of fear.  I told him, "Ian it is okay.  I am right here.  You don't need to be afraid.  I am not going to let anything hurt you."  I felt God speak to my heart, "That is what I am trying to tell you.  You can see that nothing is going to happen to Ian but he doesn't see that.  All he can see is his circumstances and they look scary.  Even though you know that everything  is okay.  He doesn't and you are asking him to trust you as you hold him tight."  I told God, "I don't understand how this is not going to  hurt me." He said, "Ian can't either.  You just have to trust Me."  Even though I wanted to join Ian and cry out that I wanted off this "float" and put back on the "ledge" where it is safe, I knew that I would have to trust the One who loved and created me.  "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.  For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior" (Isaiah 43:2-3).  I would not throw my son into the waters and allow the waters to engulf him and neither would God allow "the waters" to overtake me. He would be with me as I passed through them.

One year later, on July 20, 2012, after taking swimming lessons with Miss Betsy Willis, Ian had a swim recital along with his brother, Joseph.  He would have to "dive" off the diving board and swim to the side in order to receive his "gold" medal. As I watched him walk up to the diving board, I thought my heart would burst with pride because I knew how afraid he had been of the water.  When he dove in and swam to the side, I clapped my hands and yelled louder than anybody.  At that moment, God showed me that just like I didn't remove the water from Ian but allowed him to learn lessons that would equip him to go "through the waters," God was doing the same with me and my family.  On August 31, 2012, my dad and mom went to the doctor again.  This time, it was not for my dad but my mom who had been complaining of back and stomach pain.  They were there to get the results of the CT scan.  I called my dad's cell phone to find out what the doctor had said and my mom answered sobbing. I cried out, "What's wrong?" and she answered through tears, "I have cancer."  There were no tears at first, just complete shock.  How could mom have cancer when Dad has Alzheimer's?  Aren't there "rules" about this?

The doctor told my mom that they would try to get her in to see a Hematology Oncologist that day.  Mom wanted me to go to the doctor with her and meet at her house.   When I got there, I asked God to help me to be strong in His power.  At first, I started asking questions.  With each answer, the tears would stream down my face.  I boldly prayed over my mom but then cried like a little child longing for her mother when it was over.  I wanted so desperately to be strong for my mom.  She even asked, "How am I suppose to take care of your dad if I am sick?"  We both cried because we didn't have the answers.  Later, God revealed to me that I had asked him for me to be the strong one in the family for my mom but He chose someone else to show His glory and power.....my dad.  You see, when my mom and I were having that conversation, Dad was DRIVING to Wal-mart to pick up her prescription in order to take care of HER.  When I got ready to leave, my dad stood at the window of  my van and told me, "I have been through this with my dad and my brother.  We just need to take the next step and get her treatment."  He was so strong as he said it, strong in the Lord. 

Over this past year, I have fasted and prayed for God to heal my dad.  God revealed to me that sometimes He answers in a way we don't expect.   I wanted God to instantly heal my dad but God wanted to show His power and glory by bringing him "through" it.  God's answer, His miracle, was just when we fully expected to be taking care of my dad, my dad was taking care of my mom.  God's ways and thoughts are so must bigger than ours.  He always does so much more than we can ever imagine. 

Today, I don't know what the future holds but I do know Who holds the future.  He will never forsake us.  He will never let us go.  He is the Miracle we long for.  He is the Answer to any problem we face.  He will equip us to go through "the waters" in order to come through the other side so our "faith—more valuable than gold, which perishes though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory, and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ" (I Peter 1:6-7).  The enemy wants us to break but may we break out in songs of joy for the God who will not allow us to break.  May we rejoice in what God will do in us, through us and never forget what He said.  

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;

 I have summoned you by name;

you are Mine."

Isaiah 43:1b